Country Lawn Maintenance - 10 Tips to Know Before You Mow

By:Nola L. Kelsey

Practical survival skills should be fifty percent of what we study in school! Languishing twelve to sixteen years in the bowels of our education system should not leave American citizens unprepared to cope with perpetually running toilets. A burned out taillight should not knock our world off its axis. This chasm of neglected wisdom is not simply filled with the obvious auto and home maintenance issues. All the little stupidities reflect on our society.

Years ago, I was sitting in an I-5 traffic jam with my sister, August. Innocently I remarket, “I hate trying to tune in that radio station while I’m driving.” Without provocation August reached down and yanked the unsuspecting radio button straight out of its place. Metallic skeletal parts were revealed. Grey whales migrating off the coast heard my gasp. Then, get this; she shoved the hapless button back in – all the way! Even if the traffic had been moving, I was in no condition to drive.

This blatant assault on my automotive electronics was uncalled for. Worse was learning at age 28, I was the only person in America uninformed as to how radios were set. My thoughts, if you can call them that, seem silly now. I believed pushing the buttons placed the dial in the vicinity of various stations. Only lucky drivers and folks who listened to Christian music had buttons that coincidently landed on the exact preferred position. This knowledge graced me just before digital. Lord, how I hate tuning in digital.

All society has an obligation to pick up where floundering education systems go astray. Teach children the little things. Change vacuum belts as a family. Award prizes to offspring who can find the level of power steering fluid and above all else, instill in them the skill to read a ballot.

In keeping with a heartfelt desire to better Planet Earth, I’d like to pass along ten things nobody ever told me about lawn mowing, the country way. When I moved to the hinterland I was naive to the tribulations of rural landscaping. My massive country lawn looked innocent enough. Then the escrow closed. The following was learned via trial and error - mostly error.

One: Always carry wire cutters when mowing – While the majority of rusty old wire shot through your leg can be extracted with a few good tugs, a surprisingly large proportion entwine around ankle bones in a manner no physician or physicist can explain. With a handy set of wire cutters excess can be trimmed. Overage tends to snag on the gas pedal when diving to the Emergency Room.

Two: Recycle –Be sure to have the hospital staff return wires once they rinse your Achilles Tendon away. You can reuse it (the wire or the tendon) for fencing projects. No doubt this convenience was the reasoning behind 130 years of country landowners discarding litter in what otherwise would appear to be a careless manner.

Three: Remember the Choke - When the mower keeps coughing and sputtering to a stop, or any other time you want to choke the dam thing, push this lever. It does nothing. To get the sadistic contraption running you’ll need gasoline.

Four: Beware Safety Features – Modern mowers posses a handle lever that shuts mowers down every time the operator looks to the left. This quadruples the number of pull starts needed. The American Academia of Carpal Tunnel Physicians sponsors safety levers. Mowers also come with what is called a Plastic Do-Hickie. A Do-Hickie’s only function is to display a sticker reminding people not to shove their hands or feet inside a running lawn mower. Gardeners only do this to remove grass clogs. Ironically Do-Hickies cause 99.96% of grass clogs.

Five: Stay Hydrated – In the country, heat stoke is as much a right of spring passage as bat guano in the kitchen pantry. The ecstasy of eighty-degree temps after nine months of winter collides head on with an obsessive desire to get every last flippin’ grass blade perfectly level. Before golf course precision is ever achieved, ‘Type A’ mowers will be face down on the carpet. With ice packs strategically perched on major arterial lines, you’ll wonder, “Could the shag rug be trimmed just a tad more evenly?”

Six: Budget – Country folks can purchase their fashionable shit-beat trucks for less than a thousand dollars. This elevates you to the social status of a Ferrari driver in the city. However your lawn mower will cost you three times as much. Tractor mowers are a must out here. The lawns are too massive. Mowing with a push mower during spring would keep property owners circling 24/7. Only idiots and starving authors use push mowers.

Seven: Remember General Maintenance - A Clanking serenade resulting from the first start up of the morning is not unusual. What happened is this: Overnight grass built up underneath your mower. Then, flakes have dried to the point where you could use tin snips to cut it into a disk and burn yourself a springtime fresh CD (Green Day?). To remove the offending mass grab an ice pick and go after the dehydrated flakes like Sharon Stone during mating season.

Eight: Electric Mowers: Don’t - Even if you could lug 300 yards of cord, it’s a spectacularly bad idea. When several dogs and a milk goat play ‘chase’ under the extension, all hell, and the cord, will break loose. Hopefully this will occur prior to overloading the freaky little round country fuses and setting your ancient electrical box ablaze. In a town like mine where there’s an all-volunteer Fire Department, the carnage could be unspeakable.

“Hey, Howard, I see that city gal’s home is ablaze over there. Got any marshmallows?”

“Sure Pap. Ya know I told her she should not buy that Rowski house just a few years after she did.”

The only saving grace is with all the unsoldered plumbing in this oasis of handyman dropouts, the houses themselves won’t burn below the second floor.

Nine: Use the Section Technique – The theory here is you divide your lawn into a section for each member of the household. Everyone contributes. Nobody gets overwhelmed by the workload. For example: assign your teenager to mow section 1 on Tuesdays - then you mow it. You assign your husband to mow section 2 on Wednesdays – then you mow it. Request your every-present brother-in-law mow section 3 on Thursday – and again, you do the work. Everyone takes a turn. Hell, if you have any other males around; people, bulls, aspen trees, give them a section. What do you have to loose?

Ten: Do Not Get Discouraged! - Never let grass win! During spring, folks can get discouraged. They wake up to note their freshly mowed lawn grew back while they slept. Fact is, by mowing barefoot you will feel the new grass poke up as you pass. It’s just the country way.

* Disclaimer: Computer hard drives vary. In the event you insert a lawn clipping diskette into your CD burner and your hard drive fails to function please do not file suit against the manufacturer or the author. We cannot be held accountable for the quality of your grass. Countersuits will request you promptly cease swimming in the gene pool.

Digg del.icio.us Blink Stumble Spurl Reddit Netscape Furl

Article keywords: Country life, farm, small farm, backyard, rural, mow, mowing, tractor, lawn mower, lawn care, lawn, John Deer, Nola, Nola Kelsey, humor, satire, bitch unleashed, book, life, south dakota, black hills

Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Country Lawn Maintenance - 10 Tips to Know Before You Mow is a book excerpt from the satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country by Nola L. Kelsey. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey’s web site at www.NolaKelsey.com.

Top Landscaping Articles
1). The Art of Energy Enhancement: Meditation to Remove Energy Blockages, Negative Emotions + Bad Luck By : Swami Satchidanand One is agitated by Energy Blockages. To come out of the agitation, one does not need to know the basic reason for it, the cause of the suffering. Only you need to know the Energy Enhancement techniques for healing Energy Blockages. In this way we can clear ourselves of all Karma and instead create good luck for ourselves and everyone around us.
2). Planning Your Herb Garden The Right Way By : Mary Hanna Planning Your Herb Garden the Right Way gives you a great outline on how to establish a herb garden. These are tips on growing an herb garden either inside or outside. All of the requirements from the planning stage, the growing stage and the harvest stage are addressed here for beginners or pros.
3). The Benefits of Landscaping By : David Dunlap Landscaping is lawn art and, like any other art form, it takes time, patience, and research to get your methods just right. But besides simply improving the look of a home, landscaping provide many other benefits, both personal and financial, that often go overlooked.
4). Are Robotic Lawn Mowers in Your Future? By : klc Robotic lawn mowers are going to be the next life-style changing appliance in America. Think about it, how many times have you wanted to get away for the weekend or go to some event but yard work kept you tied to the house? I can’t tell you how many golf outings I have missed. Robotic lawn mowers can mow the yard, go back to the charger, and go back out again on their own without human intervention.
5). Tips for Preparing a Planting Bed By : Michael J. McGroarty If you are preparing beds for landscaping around your house this article should simplify the process for you. I say that because of everything that is written about this subject, some of it is accurate, some of it is just plain wrong, and much of it is much more complicated than it needs to be. I like to think of myself as Simple Simon. I find the easiest, yet most effective way to do things, and they work.
6). Easy Landscaping and Curb Appeal for Florida Homes By : Kael The idea that an appealing outside is your best offense for intriguing potential buyers is based on the simple concept that first impressions really count. The great thing about learning some key elements of landscaping is that you can apply them to a home that you are just settling into, as well as one you are about to sell. For those who are selling or buying real estate in Tampa Bay Florida, some extra curb appeal advice will go a long way.
7). Arborvitae - For Privacy and Screens By : b hirst Arborvitae - For Privacy and Screens
8). Adding a Water Feature to Your Yard By : cynthia If you feel that your backyard is lacking a certain something, a water feature might be just the thing to bring new life to your outdoors. There are many different types of water features to consider, such as a pond or a waterfall. Flowing or still water has a peaceful relaxing quality to it, and water features allow you to bring this natural beauty right into your own yard.
9). How to Create Wildflower Gardens & Meadows By : TJ Hallinan How to Create Wildflower Gardens & Meadows
10). Growing Impatiens In Your Garden By : Lee Dobbins Learn how to grow lush healthy impatiens for garden borders and in containers.

New Landscaping Articles
1). The Environmental Benefits Of Water Gardens By : Christopher Byrnes Learn why water gardens are good for the earth
2). Chainsaws - Friends Or Foe? By : Dean Caporella Too often, non professional chainsaw users are throwing money against the wall by making hasty and ill-informed decisions about the type of saw they purchase.
3). A Self-sufficient Water Garden By : Christopher Byrnes Discover the steps to creating water gardens that virtually maintain themselves.
4). Tips for Choosing a Pesticide Treatment By : Paul Kleinmeulman A pesticide treatment may be necessary if your home is overrun with pests or if your garden is succumbing to invasive organisms. However, before choosing a pesticide treatment, it is important to make sure that you have performed your research and are prepared to use your pesticide treatment in a responsible manner.
5). Cheap Pond Liners By : Eric Morris Installing a garden pond is no longer a distant dream but an easy goal. Concrete ponds have been replaced with artificial, preformed and flexible Pond Liners which make the task of installing a pond easier and cheaper. When building on a budget, one can settle for a small water garden that holds less than 1,500 gallons of water or is less than 10” X 13” X 19” deep.
6). Online Florists By : Steve Valentino Flowers say you care. A gift of flowers brings about feelings of love, joy and contentment. Whether the occasion is a birthday, anniversary, or a gesture to tell someone you love them or are thinking about them --flowers are the way to do it. Flowers can really say it all in a very special way. Today, with Internet technology, sending someone flowers is as easy as sitting in your bedroom in your pajamas and surfing through various florists online to choose a gift.
7). Growing Hibiscus By : Kent Pinkerton Before growing Hibiscus, a fair amount of planning is required. Do you want to grow them in your garden, use them for landscaping or hedging or keep them pots that can be kept indoors or out? What size and type of plant do you want? Potted culturing has to be confined to the smaller varieties. For outdoors, the size is dependent on the use. Large types are ideal for landscaping.
8). Backyard Landscaping Ideas By : Sam Streubel No matter where you live, there’s nothing better than relaxing outdoors on a warm summer night watching your backyard landscaping ideas come to life. Unfortunately, re-landscaping your entire backyard during the course of one growing season can be back breaking, expensive and requires major planning. Here’s a simple solution: Break up your backyard into “rooms” and remodel one room each year.
9). The Truth About MTD Snow Blowers By : Robert Smith Ask anyone who lives in areas that receive snow, and they will tell you that it's shoveling snow more than the cold temperatures that they would list as the worst part of the season. Fortunately, there are options out there which will make your time outside shorter, and more importantly, less stressful on your back. Snow blowers provide a great solution for those who hate shoveling snow! One of the more popular snow blowers is an MTD Snow Blower due to the ease of use, durability and of course, power.
10). Finding the Right Landscaping Company By : Todd Dekkinga Hiring a good landscaper will make completing your landscape a much simpler process. If you create goals and properly layout your plans for your landscaping you will be able to get specific pricing. Here are some tips on how to hire a landscaper the right way. 1. What do you really want or need? Some landscapes are beautiful as they are, but the owners sometimes just want to add new appeal to their homes so they opt to have a landscape job done.