5 Reasons Why You Should Quit Your Day Job

By:Timothy Ward

Most of us would stop working if we could. We constantly dream about it, but that's about as far as we get-dreaming. Working a 9-5 just seems inevitable. I, Timothy Ward, however am a master at defying the inevitable. I stare 'The Inevitable' in the face and call him dirty names. I say, if you want to stop working, STOP WORKING; I'll even give you 5 reasons why you should.

1. If you stop working you'll have more time to devote to reading my articles, columns, and lists. This will enable me to become a household name down at the Unemployment and Welfare offices. My fame is a small price to pay for you living your dreams. Think about this when you see me on the 'Today Show'.

2. Quitting your job will make you feel wonderful. For about 10 minutes you'll be on cloud nine, you'll be on top of the world, you'll be living the good life, you'll be: -insert your own cliche here-. Then you'll start worrying about the car note, the mortgage, the kid's school clothes, groceries, and how you're going to pay that $850 you owe the Petermanns for running over their mailbox and a whole row of prize-winning azaleas. All this will probably depress you to the point of assisted suicide, but at least you had 10 minutes of freedom.

3. Daytime television is some of the most exciting and captivating television around. You'll wonder how you ever survived without all those quality soap operas, daytime talk shows, and judge shows where you get the sinking suspicion that the judge has been paid off. When you combine this with all the informative commercials that air during the daytime that will 'Show you how to make $1,000 a day stuffing envelopes, 'Teach you to drive a tractor trailer in 4 days', 'Allow you to get a degree from home in such exciting fields as GED preparation and septic tank scrubber' and you'll not only wonder why you didn't quit your job sooner, you'll also vow to never work again.

4. In your formerly employed state you missed all those important calls from collection agencies and other bill collectors. Now that you have quit your job you'll be able to sit at home in eager anticipation of these oh-so-important calls. Toss in a few telemarketers, calls from the Sheriff's Association asking for donations, and a few of those computers that call you and ask you to 'Hold for an important message' and you'll have a full day of just answering the phone. It will be like having a full-time job all over again, without all the hassle of getting a paycheck.

5. Dragging yourself out of bed every morning at 5:45 a.m. can't be good for your health. Your doctor will proud of you for caring enough about your body's well-being to go as far as quitting your job. He will not, however, see you as a patient anymore because you no longer have health insurance. But there's no need to worry, after all that's why we have free clinics. Sitting all day in a damp clinic waiting room next to two teenagers with stage 3 Chlamydia is yet another experience you would have missed out on if you had kept your day job.

There you have it folks. 5 reasons why you should immediately go out and quit your job. Feel free to quote any of these reasons to your employer when you turn in your two weeks notice. If she wants to know where you came across such valuable information tell her that a unselfish friend of humanity supplied them to you free of charge, and all I asked in return was that you remember me next time you need your septic tank scrubbed...

Digg del.icio.us Blink Stumble Spurl Reddit Netscape Furl

Article keywords: humor, jobs, timothy ward

Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Timothy Ward desperately needs your help in becoming a household name. You can either visit www.timothy-ward.com and subscribe to his humor column "I Never Said I Was Normal', or you can tattoo his name on at least 3 of your bodily appendages. The choice is yours.

Top Humor Articles
1). Easy Ways To Save Money & Abundance Revisited By : Roger Soverhead A penny saved is a penny earned so they say. Today most people want to save all the pennies they can, in fact if you look after the pennies the "p
2). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we�re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
3). ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS By : Theolonius McTavish Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. ON THE IMPORTANCE OF ELEPHANTS-- Or, can you tell me where I can find �Babar�, �Dumbo� or �Topsy�? --
4). By Now, I'm a Expert at Memory Loss By : David Leonhardt I sat down to write my weekly humor column, but I just could not remember what I wanted to write about. This seems to be an increasingly more common a
5). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner. He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.
6). Inner Peace By : Unknown By following the simple advice heard on The Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.Dr.Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace
7). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money. To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates. The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal. One star expressed concern, saying, �I�m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
8). Just Say No To Sex By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com (Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.) "They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world � and now they see a practical way to proceed.
9). Thick Mick's Curriculum Vitae. By : Thick Mick. When I was born, I nearly died!The vet said that I was too thick for the average pelvis, whatever that is.My schoolteacher (bless her)
10). Hercule Phallus and Early Viagra. By : Thick Mick Viagra; latin-ish for re-enforce, derived from the Greek veristrongViagra also means metasplint; meta from the Greek hidden a

New Humor Articles
1). Are You Spreading Humor By : David Hill My first thought upon seeing the subject, "Are you sharing humor?" was that it referred to comics or orators. After giving some thought to the subject I began to see that each one of us, at sometime or other, should share our humor.
2). The Party Store By : Matt Allen Every now and then I like to frequent our local liquor store to stock my bar. Our neighborhood store is nothing special, but has what I need when I need it. I have never paid a whole lot of attention to the sign as I entered the establishment. The sign clearly states that not only do they sell beer and wine, they also sell party supplies. Great. You never know when a party may break out and having a store with party supplies at your disposal is nothing but a posititve thing.
3). An Efficient Commute By : Matt Allen This morning, as usual, I was pressed for time. I had to be to my "9 to 5" especially early and I woke up late. Instead of rushing around more than I already had been, I thought I would take the time to finish my "getting ready for work rituals" in the car. After all, I have seen countless others in my rearview mirror and beside me in their cars do the same, so why can't I? As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work.
4). Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com While The Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as the theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux. The Chef, Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution � the availability of food.
5). Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
6). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions? While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
7). Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR's Basement By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com The Democratic Party, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Apparently, they have finally grown alert to the inadequate support provided by the random planking that has been delivered to them by various political strategists � usually, they now see, not deeply resonating and indubitably ethical ideas, but hardly more than sound bytes based on evanescent hot topics.
8). Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro�s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable.
9). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate. In an exclusive interview, he confided, �Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
10). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, �Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!� Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill. He recently got more into debt than usual � in fact, he found himself surrounded by it � and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.

� 2006 articles2k.com - Privacy Policy