|
Home / Pets and Animals
Milk Goats: Know Thy Enemy
By:Nola L. Kelsey
Patience may be a virtue, but laughter is the only way to survive goat milking. You can strive for the perfect fencing. You must aim for good nutrition. But, don’t kid yourself. When it comes to milking, you do not get the last word.
When I decided to add milk goats to my backyard farm I envisioned pitchers of milk cooling in the fridge while cheddar rounds age in my cellar. Spirit, my first nanny, had other ideas. There is an old saying I just made up: “Don’t expect instant gratification from your very first dairy goat lactation.” Like dating, expecting nothing is the first step toward not being let down. Perseverance is the next step toward surviving goats with your sanity moderately intact.
Spirit proved mutinous in milking. Even with twins at her side, she had ample milk to share. Generosity was simply not her forte. However, like falling off a bike or getting thrown from your horse, when you find a goat leg lodged in your right ear, you must climb right back on. To help other potential farmers deal with inevitable frustration, I have provided the following journal. It documents my first full month of milking Spirit. From this draw hope. There is light at the end of the nipple.
Day 1: Leashed goat runs around tie post kicking and bucking. Never got near the teat.
Day 2: Build “EZ One Hour Goat Milking Stand” from online instructions. Define five hours in hell.
Day 3: Adjust Goat Milking Stand so goat’s big fat head will fit through the stocks into the feed box.
Day 4: Adjust Goat Milking Stand so goat’s skinny little head will not retreat from feed box out through the stocks.
Day 5: Collect 3.5 tsp. milk from flailing goat on milking stand.
Day 6: Ditto.
Day 7: Tether goat’s leg. Goat kicks loose in .3 seconds.
Day 8: Tether goat’s leg better. Goat kicks loose dumping over 3.5 tsp. of milk.
Day 9: Try new tethering technique. Collect entire ounce of milk. Goat’s effort to kick loose succeeds only after she sheds 3.5 tsp. of hair into the shot glass of milk.
Day 10: Go to store. Buy milk.
Day 11 – 14: Discouraged. Just squirt some milk straight onto the milking stand so that the apparently dwindling right teat stays active.
Day 15: Goat now standing still while I collect three ounces of milk. Then the cantankerous witch sticks her foot in it.
Day 16 – 18: Ditto, ditto and ditto.
Day 19: Right teat has all but vanished.
Day 20: Right teat empty.
Day 21: Spirit’s legal team serves me with papers declaring her functional left teat off limits and for her babies only.
Day 22 – 23: Practice milking technique while coaxing droplets from withered right teat.
Day 24: Have mastered milking with right hand while my left hand holds the receptacle up, dodging the maniacal wenches attempts put her foot in the milk. Net bounty from flat tit approx 1.4 oz. Note: Goat still shedding.
Day 25-26: Milk rations slightly increasing. Goat and cottonwood trees now both shedding into the milk receptacle.
Day 27: Babies distract me by biting my shirt while I am milking. Spirit’s foot returns to the milk receptacle.
Day 28: Babies adamant about eating my clothes while I milk. I steal milk from their precious left teat.
Day 29: Babies try to distract me by eating my hair. I try to ignore them. Goat flinches. My foot avoider reflex overcompensates, hurling the milk directly inside my protective LASIK goggles. Startled by my French, both babies run off in opposite directions with my hair still in their mouths.
Day 30: And the beat goes on.
Day 31: Average daily yield now totals around 10 oz. Source: two milkings per day from 1.2 tits.
Remember, when the day comes, and it will, where you just walk up to your nanny and quickly squirt a little milk straight into your morning coffee then wander off sobbing, bear in mind with a little patience, all this can be yours. Oh boy!
Digg
del.icio.us
Blink
Stumble
Spurl
Reddit
Netscape
Furl
Article keywords: Goat, goats, milking, farm, humor, satire, small farm, backyard, farm animal, dairy, how to, milk
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com
Satirist Nola L. Kelsey is the author of Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country & coauthor of the wicked political/self-help, satire Keeping the Masses Down. Both are available everywhere fun books are sold. More of Nola’s work may be read at: http://www.NolaKelsey.com.
|
|
| Top Pets and Animals Articles |
- 1). Winter Dog Agility Training By : Brad Carlson
Yes, its cold outside, but don't stop your dog's agility training. Depending on where you live, there might be snow on the ground from November through March, but thats no reason to give up your agility training. Bring your training indoors, right at your own home.
Get creative with your training locations. Do you have a hallway, basement, or garage? Then you have a place to train! Before it snows and your equipment is frozen to the ground, store some in your garage, shed, basement, or put a tarp over it.
|
- 2). How to Choose Goldfish By : Nate Jamieson
How you choose your goldfish, depends largely on two things: the type of fish you really like to see, and the kind of container you intend to keep
|
|
|
- 4). Pet Safety By : Lee Dobbins
Your home might be "kid-proof" but how does it measure up when it comes to safety for your pet? Do you know all the hazards your pet is exposed to? Ho
|
- 5). The Long, Low Basset Hound By : Charles Kassotis
The Basset Hound’s most noticeable features include the long ears, drooping forehead and short legs. These dogs are excellent at smelling, partly due to their noses but also because of their ears. It was originally bred as a hunter, but has risen in popularity as a family pet and canine pal, as the epitome of the loyal friend.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| New Pets and Animals Articles |
|
|
- 2). Your Cat Goes Missing By : Kadence Buchanan
According to the most recent Synovate pet survey (Sept. 2005), conducted in nine markets across the globe, the UK and the US were shown to be the two absolute leaders in pet ownership.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
- 8). How To Simplfiy House Cleaning With Pets By : Melody Thacker
Keeping your house clean with a pet or two in the family can be a challenge. Taking a bit of time to train your pet, some advanced planning and preventative measures will make keeping your house clean with pets much easier and less time consuming.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
