|
Home / Personal Development
Self Esteem: You Are Not Who You Think You Are
By:Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
David sat in front of me at one of my five-day intensive workshops. A successful businessman with a wife and two grown children, David believed that he was not good enough.
“I’m insufficient,” he said. “I’m inadequate.”
I looked at this kind man and felt deep sadness for him. He did not know who he was.
“Why do you believe that?” I asked.
“I didn’t do well in school, and I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life.”
“So you are basing your worth on your performance, right?”
“Of course.”
David could not conceive of any other way of defining his worth other than through his performance – which he never saw as good enough.
I asked David to look inside – at the essence of himself - and tell me what he sees. All he saw was emptiness.
“David, please close your eyes. Now imagine a wonderful being who loves you very much. Who comes to mind?”
“My grandfather. He died when I was young, but he really loved me.”
“Good. Now imagine that you are seeing yourself through the eyes of your grandfather. What does your grandfather see when he looks at you?”
“He sees a bright and creative little boy, who is very kind and caring. A loving little boy. A little boy who is funny and likes to laugh, and likes to make other people laugh.”
“Is there anything wrong with this little boy? Anything inadequate or insufficient?”
“Oh no! He is a wonderful little boy.”
“David, this is who you really are. You are not your performance. Your performance will come and go and at some point you might retire and not perform at all. Yet that does not mean that you are, therefore, worthless. Your worth is in who you are, not in what you do. Your worth in intrinsic.”
David realized that, because of his highly critical and rejecting parents, he had always been trying to prove himself and always came up short in their eyes. As a result of seeing himself as unworthy and inadequate, he did not treat himself well. He treated himself the way his parents had treated him – with criticism and neglect. He was always trying to take care of everyone else, but rarely thought about taking care of himself. He was constantly abandoning himself emotionally, just as he had been emotionally abandoned by his parents.
“David, if you chose to see yourself as your grandfather saw you rather than how your parents saw you, how would you feel about yourself and how would you treat yourself?”
“I’ve just been thinking about that. I just realized that I treat my dog better than I treat myself! I would never judge my dog the way I judge myself.”
“So what would you do differently if you saw yourself the way your grandfather sees you?”
“I would stop judging myself as insufficient and inadequate. I’m a really good person. I am not at all insufficient or inadequate as a person. And I choose my friends based on who they are as people – not on their performance. So I obviously value the very qualities that I possess!”
“What else would you do if you really valued who you are?”
“I would listen to my own feelings and take care of my own needs instead of taking care of everyone else’s feelings and needs. I would no longer see it as selfish to take care of myself instead of taking care of everyone else. I would be at least as attentive to myself as I am to my dog!”
David was glowing. He was discovering who he really is, not who he thought he was.
People often think that their worth – who they really are – is based on looks and performance. Yet these qualities are transitory. What is real and eternal is who you are in your heart and soul. If you shift your definition of your worth from outer to inner, you will stop trying to prove yourself. You will know that you are already a beautiful being, totally deserving of love.
Digg
del.icio.us
Blink
Stumble
Spurl
Reddit
Netscape
Furl
Article keywords: self-worth, self-esteem, personal development, self improvement, self help, personal growth
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
|
|
| Top Personal Development Articles |
- 1). What To Do When Your Fears And Worries Overwhelm You By : Stan Popovich
What do you do when your worries and anxieties overwhelm you? Here is a brief list of techniques that a person can use to help manage their worries and anxieties.
Sometimes what we fear may happen can be overly exaggerated. A lot of times, our worrying can make the problem even worse. Remember that all the worrying in the world will not change anything.
|
- 2). Stuttering And Stammering Speech Impediment By : blueboy
Stammering or as it is sometimes known as stuttering is a form of speech impediment.
My name is Stephen Hill and I had a stammer for eighteen years. I went to various types of speech therapy which even though was of some use, never really offered me any hope of a "cure".
At the age of twenty two, after a lot of hard work I managed to overcome the stammer and I now help other people to achieve fluency.
|
- 3). The first 14 dominant laws of the subconscious mind By : Emmanuel Segui
Copyright 2006 Emmanuel Segui
The subconscious mind is fascinating and intriguing. Yet, it is challenging to understand how it works so you can use its full power solve our problems and enhance every aspect of your life.
Here are the difficult principles of the subconscious mind made very easy so you can apply them in your life today and see results tomorrow.
|
- 4). Stop Fear Now By : Denton Krypps
I'm convinced that fear is one of the worst things in life. Think about all of the negative ways that fear affects your life. Think about all of the decisions you make or do not make because of fear in your life. Or think about the risks that you do not take or the relationships you do not pursue because of fear. You would do well to take a good look at the fears in your life and to attempt to tackle them head first until they are no longer fears.
|
|
|
- 6). Avoiding Your Persistent Fears Will Not Make Them Go Away By : Stan Popovich
Your fears, anxieties, and other problems have the best of you and you don’t know where to turn for help. At some point you feel totally helpless as you struggle each day. What do you do?
As a layman and an author of a Managing Fear book, there were times that my fears had the best of me. Through these experiences, there is one thing that I learned.
|
- 7). Success After Failure - Even Genghis Khan Lost Some Early Battles By : John Watson
Both the worst and the best of the great achievers had the belief in themselves and the resilience to overcome early failures. One of these was none other than Genghis Khan. There are powerful lessons we can learn from him.
In 1162 a child, called Temujin, was born in Mongolia clutching a blood clot - a sign that he was destined to be a great warrior.
|
- 8). Crisis Management: The Most Basic Of Needs By : Sandy Baker
Crisis management is something that every individual needs to consider. Whether you are preparing yourself for a crisis situation or if you are responsible for a school full of children, it is necessary to be prepared. There are excellent resources to help you do this and it also helps to take a good look at your individual situation. There are many types of crisis management situations and we will discuss that here.
|
- 9). Being the Mountain By : Judy Ringer
As I hiked up the path to the Peaceful Valley Chapel, I relished the quiet of my early morning solitude. After many years as a participant and assistant instructor at Thomas Crum's Journey To Center Program, this beautiful and energizing ten-minute hike had become a personal ritual. Each morning of each Journey to Center week, before our breathing and meditation session at 7, I always hike to the top of this small mountain to be inspired by the view of a much higher mountain range in the distance.
|
- 10). What Causes People To Develop A Speech Impediment? By : blueboy
I am one of many people who are unfortunate enough to develop a speech impediment in childhood. This article describes why these impediments may occur and how I went about achieving fluency. For the purpose of this article, I concentrate on the speech impediment known as stuttering.
There are many reasons why people may develop a stutter, it can be.
|
| New Personal Development Articles |
- 1). Achieve Emotional Freedom By : ian Williamson
Emotional Freedom Techniques, or EFT as it is most commonly known, is probably the most popular of a group of techniques collectively referred to as Energy Psychology (EP)
|
|
|
- 3). Are You Really Making Decisions? By : Garry Zancanaro
There is a massive difference between hoping and wishing for success, happiness, self improvement, or that something will change in our lives, and actively deciding to make changes to our lives.
|
- 4). Why Self Improvement Is Important - Part 1 By : Garry Zancanaro
An alarming percentage of people spend most of what they earn and many also have large debts. They are often no more that a few paydays away from bankruptcy and have little, if anything, put aside for emergencies, much less for a comfortable retirement.
|
|
|
- 6). Dealing With Frustration By : Garry Zancanaro
We all suffer from frustration, and being able to effectively deal with frustration is a very important skill to develop. It can be a decisive factor between success and failure.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
- 10). To Move Forward You Have To Be Able To Bounce Back! By : Garry Zancanaro
Successful people are also disappointed and affected by setbacks, and certainly get knocked down more often than most, if only because they try more things. This may happen not once or twice, but dozens or even hundreds of times. But successful people refuse to stay down - because they are resilient and will not be denied their dreams and goals.
|
|
|
