Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras

By:Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com

The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats.

The council also gave an incidental nod to the high cholesterol content of the delicacy and affirmed its determination to spare Chicagoans and visitors to the metropolis of the Midwest the cardiovascular consequences of the indulgence.

On the day the Windy City was to become the first in the nation to outlaw the delectation, various restaurants staged a foie gras fest. The fatty substance even found its way into Chicago’s famed deep-dish pizza.

But the pain rankled.

“This ban is embarrassing Chicago,” said Grant DePorter of Harry Caray’s Restaurant. “We really don’t think the City Council should decide what Chicagoans eat. What’s next? Some other city outlaws Brussels sprouts? Another outlaws chicken? Another, green beans?”

Lawyers filed a lawsuit on behalf of Illinois restaurant officials, who note that Chicagoans and visitors to the now foie-free burg volunteered to consume 46,000 pounds of it during the past year.

The city allowed the protest fest to go on without warrants.

A spokesman for the Chicago Department of Public Health, Tim Hadac, said, “The city gave them a day of fun, but tomorrow we’ll see what happens.”

Will the department, like famed beer-buster Eliot Ness in the days of prohibition, stage foie gras raids?

Apparently, the city fathers will proceed less decisively, responding to complaints and firing off warning letters. In those steps fail, they intend to impose, on second offenders, a fine of from $250 to $500.

A casual diner maintained that the leaders of the city by the lake should have more important things to concern themselves with than plumped goose and duck liver.

As he tasted some in a pizza, he noted, “I guess we were rebels today.”

We can see the persistent offenders now, as they serve time for indulging in the felonious business of serving the gustatory delight. There they are, enjoying some cell-free time in the prison yard. Two inmates meet.

One says, “What are you up for?”

“Murder and grand theft,” the prisoner says. “How about you?”

“Serving foie gras in Chicago,” the other prisoner confesses.

His answer thunders through the prison yard, causing the other inmates to clasp their hands to their horrified lips.

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Tom Attea, humorist and creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway. Critics have called his writing "delightfully funny," "witty," with "great humor and ebullience" and "good, genuine laughs."

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