|
Home / Humor
My Hallmark Moment
By:Charlie Hatton
I have a wedding anniversary coming up in a few days. So, like a good little husband, I bought chocolate and flowers. And then I went looking for a card. And what a miserable damned experience that was.
I went browsing through the cards, looking for something genuine. Something from the heart, something that I might have written myself. Smartassed, but sweet. Old and bitter, but not in a bad way. Lazy, shiftless, virtually unemployable, unshaven, unkempt, and covered in Chee-to dust, but lovable. And horny. Very, very horny. That's the angle I was shooting for.
But is that the sort of card I found? Decidedly not. Because, as we married men well know, there are only two kinds of anniversary cards that a loving hubby can choose from. The first type is for the dead serious Bible-thumping crowd. They've got pictures with rays of light shining through stormclouds or faded roses in grandma vases, with fancy borders and squiggly flourishes on the lettering. And inside, they say things like:
'My dearest beloved --
As we prepare to celebrate the sacred covenant we share,
I swear, as diapered-up baby Jesus is my witness, I shall love you
Until the very end of time itself.
Or until armageddon, if it be God's will
And then all bets are off, so sayeth the Lord.
Blessed be our matrimonial bed,
Your husband.'
Now, I can't give that card to my wife. Not with a straight face, anyway. Yes, I was looking for a 'funny card', but not that kind of funny. And if she didn't realize that it's meant ironically, it'd scare the diapered-up baby Jesus out of her. So those cards were no good to me.
The other kind of card may be even worse. Sure, they're meant to be funny and playful, but instead they're simply ridiculous. They're filled with smarmy cartoon pictures of dogs or bears or reticulated lemurs of some kind, and they represent the happy couple doing crap that the wife and I never do -- taking long walks, going to the theater, hiking together... yeah, right.
Who does those things? Hiking? Hallmark, please. I get winded fishing the last bit of Cherry Garcia out of the Ben and Jerry's carton. Like I'm going to walk up a mountain, just for fun. You greeting card people are out of your envelopes.
Worse than that, though, is the poem that inevitably accompanies the silly pictures. It's always hacky and sappy and completely inappropriate. I'm not handing my wife something that reads:
'Honey, we've been through thick and through thin;
We'll get in the car and we'll go for a spin!
You stick by me, with all of my flaws --
And unlike our remote, our love has no 'pause'!
When I first met you, dear, I couldn't fathom my luck,
And now that we're hitched, well, I guess that you're stuck!
We've made it together, through one more year;
'Cause we're a great couple, and you're a peach, dear!
And through all of this, we're doing just fine --
Because I'm always yours, and you're always mine!'
I love my wife dearly, but that's just stupid. Nobody talks like that -- not to their wife, not to their husband, not to their drooling baby childlets. It'd make the Cleavers nauseous.
But, I had to have a card, and the religious ones were just not right, so I did the best I could. I actually bought the card I just described, and took a few... creative liberties. It's still not quite what I was looking for, but my version's a vast improvement. Here's the revised text:
'Honey, we've been through thick and through thin;
We'll get in the car and we'll go for a spin!
'Cause I don't pinch other chicks, and you don't chase other men!
You stick by me, with all of my flaws --
And unlike our remote, our love has no 'pause'!
But I'm not spending Christmas with the jackass in-laws!
When I first met you, dear, I couldn't fathom my luck,
And now that we're hitched, well, I guess that you're stuck!
<Verse removed; this is a family site!>
We've made it together, through one more year;
'Cause we're a great couple, and you're a peach, dear!
Now you put on a teddy, and I'll grab the beer!
And through all of this, we're doing just fine --
Because I'm always yours, and you're always mine!
Now drop those pants, babe; let's do sixty-nine!'
Much better. I am so getting some action on my anniversary now. I may not even need the chocolate and flowers. See what happens when you 'care enough to send the very best'?
Digg
del.icio.us
Blink
Stumble
Spurl
Reddit
Netscape
Furl
Article keywords: Comedy, hunor, funny, anniversary, marriage, Hallmark, greeting card
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com
Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes near-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?
|
|
| Top Humor Articles |
|
|
- 2). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
|
|
|
|
|
- 5). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.
He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.
|
- 6). Inner Peace By : Unknown
By following the simple advice heard on The Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.Dr.Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace
|
- 7). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money.
To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.
The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal.
One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
|
- 8). Just Say No To Sex By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
"They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
|
|
|
|
|
| New Humor Articles |
- 1). Are You Spreading Humor By : David Hill
My first thought upon seeing the subject, "Are you sharing humor?" was that it referred to comics or orators. After giving some thought to the subject I began to see that each one of us, at sometime or other, should share our humor.
|
- 2). The Party Store By : Matt Allen
Every now and then I like to frequent our local liquor store to stock my bar. Our neighborhood store is nothing special, but has what I need when I need it. I have never paid a whole lot of attention to the sign as I entered the establishment. The sign clearly states that not only do they sell beer and wine, they also sell party supplies. Great. You never know when a party may break out and having a store with party supplies at your disposal is nothing but a posititve thing.
|
- 3). An Efficient Commute By : Matt Allen
This morning, as usual, I was pressed for time. I had to be to my "9 to 5" especially early and I woke up late. Instead of rushing around more than I already had been, I thought I would take the time to finish my "getting ready for work rituals" in the car. After all, I have seen countless others in my rearview mirror and beside me in their cars do the same, so why can't I?
As I grabbed my things, I raced out to the car and started on the 32-minute commute to work.
|
- 4). Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While The Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as the theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux.
The Chef, Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution – the availability of food.
|
- 5). Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
|
- 6). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions?
While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
|
- 7). Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR's Basement By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Democratic Party, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party.
Apparently, they have finally grown alert to the inadequate support provided by the random planking that has been delivered to them by various political strategists – usually, they now see, not deeply resonating and indubitably ethical ideas, but hardly more than sound bytes based on evanescent hot topics.
|
- 8). Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable.
|
|
|
- 10). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill.
He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
|
|
|
