EFT & Opening to Love - Coaching Article

By:Robert Elias Najemy

We can use EFT to remove our various obstacles towards experiencing love, acceptance and unity with loved ones and other important persons in our lives. We might be talking here about love partners, children, parents, siblings, friends or coworkers.

Before explaining this process, I would like to point out that we will very likely need to engage in this same process towards loving and accepting ourselves if we are to succeed in loving others in this way. This is true because our greatest obstacle towards loving ourselves is our own self-doubt, which allows others’ behaviors and expressions to activate our fears about our self-worth. We then lose our love towards them.

Thus, we might want to first work on using EFT for removing most obstacles towards self-esteem. Refer to the previous chapter on that subject.

Other chapters for on working on relationships with EFT are:

EFT and Self-esteem
EFT and False Relationship Prototypes
EFT and Communication Obstacles

Discovering What We Need to Work on

1. Our first step is to realize when and in relationship to which behaviors or personality characteristics we lose our feelings of love, acceptance and unity with others.

a. Choose the first person you would like to be able to love more steadily and unconditionally.

b. Now, make a list of his or her behaviors, which annoy you or cause you to distance yourself, become defensive or close your heart.

Possible Annoying Behaviors

Below is a brief list of some common reasons we might lose our feelings of love and unity with someone. In such situations we might feel hurt, bitterness, resentment, disappointment, fear, jealousy, injustice, anger, rage, competitiveness, antagonistic, etc. We might close off into ourselves or become defensive, offensive or aggressive.)

1. When others do not agree with us.
2. When they do not understand us.
3. When they obstruct us from satisfying our needs. (A need could be psychological, such as the need for acceptance, respect or self-esteem)
4. When they do not respect us.
5. When they think they are superior.
6. When they try to control or suppress us.
7. When they criticize us.
8. When they tell lies or gossip about us.
9. When they harm us or someone close to us.
10. When they have evil intentions or ulterior motives.
11. When they are negative, complaining, whining, criticizing etc.
12. When they think they know everything.
13. When they give us advice we have not asked for.
14. When they play the role of the victim, the "poor me," and want attention.
15. When they do not take care of themselves or carry their share of the load.
16. When they make mistakes.
17. When they do not keep their promises or appointments.
18. When they are weak and dependent.
19. When they act in an egotistical and selfish ways, disregarding our or others’ needs
20. When they use us or others.
21. When they are cold and insensitive.
22. When they are not responsible.
23. When they are lazy.
24. When they ignore our needs.
25. When they reject us.
Other reasons____________________________

Note: Loving others does not mean that we are obliged to allow them to do whatever they want irregardless of whether it is unjust or unethical. We can feel unlimited love for them while we also assertively confront them concerning such behaviors. This is actually for their own good, as evolving souls. This is also important for us and our society as a whole.
This should be done steadfastly but also with as much love and understanding as possible

Having made a list of the other’s behaviors that cause you to close up now chose the one want to first work on.

Employing EFT on this Obstacle

The obstacle towards loving can be felt as a negative emotion or perceived as a limiting belief. In the second case, if possible, it is better that we focus on the emotion created by this belief creates.

We start by measuring the SUD for that particular issue, perform the set up and proceed.

Reminder

As we employ EFT, our emotions, aspects or even experiences with we are working might change. In that case we may work on whatever comes up, always remembering, however, to come back to our original subject to check it out and bring it down if necessary.

Working on the Main Emotion or Belief

I. Emotions which we have when the other behaves in a certain way.

A. We rub on the sore spot on one side (or tap the side of the hand) repeating phrase "A" three times.

B. Then we repeat phrase "B" three times while rubbing the on the sore spot on the other side (or tapping on the side of the other hand).

C. Then we repeat the "C" reminder phrase while tapping on the 12 points.

A.1. Even though I feel (emotion) _______ when / because _____ (name of person) _____________ (behavior which bothers us) ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.
or
A.2. Even though until now I have felt (emotion) _______ when / because _____ (name of person) _____________ (behavior which bothers us) ___________, I now understand his /her inner doubts and fears (problems, conditioning) which cause him/her to behave in this way.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The Emotion) ____ when/because _____(name of person and act)

These emotions will likely change and we will need to work with each emotion as it surfaces. Note that we usually feel anger and hate because we first feel fear, hurt, pain, guilt, shame, self-rejection or injustice. So we will likely need to address these in order to get free from our anger.

Working on Other Aspects

While working on opening up to love we might need to work various aspects such as:

II. Emotions we have about the fact that we have these negative emotions
towards the other and are not as loving as we would like to be.

A.1. Even though I feel ______ (guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt) because I have not yet been able to love _____________ even when / though (behavior)___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have felt ___ (guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt) because I have not yet been able to love _____________ even when / though (behavior)___________, I now understand myself, my feelings and reactions.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The Emotion) ______ because I do not love _____ unconditionally

In other words, we want to love ourselves even though we are not as loving as we would like to be. My experience is that accepting ourselves "as we are" is a prerequisite for moving forward and improving ourselves.

III. Resistance towards Opening to Love

Consider the following possible obstacles towards remaining open and loving:

1. We feel vulnerable and are afraid of being hurt if we are open and loving and prefer to keep an emotional distance.
2. We do not want to give the other the idea that he or she can do whatever he or she likes with us.
3. We would like them first to ask for forgiveness or at least realize their mistakes.
4. We fear we will lose control over them by letting them be too relaxed with us.
5. We want to place the blame for our dissatisfaction with ourselves or our lives on someone else who is "responsible".
6. We falsely believe that love requires that we must let this person do whatever he or she wants – regardless of ethics or justice – and that this would be totally unacceptable.
7. We have identified with the role of the victim and need to feel hurt and abused.
8. We are in the role of the interrogator and need to find others’ faults.
9. We are afraid of intimacy because we fear:
a. Being abandoned
b. Being suppressed
c. Being hurt
10. We are afraid of expressing love, because we fear that there will not be an adequate response from others and we will feel rejected.
11. We cannot believe that others could possibly love us.
12. We have been seriously hurt by this person and cannot overcome this bitterness.
Other ___________________________

If we cannot find the specific resistance towards opening our heart, we might benefit by looking into our childhood years for similar experiences or behaviors, which hurt us then.

If, at that point, we do not find what our resistance is, we can then work generally with "this resistance" or "this apparent resistance".

Some variation of the following phrases will be appropriate.

A.1 Even though I feel (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______ I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2 Even though until now I have felt (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______, I now realize that it is in my benefit to let go of this.

A.3 Even though until now I have felt (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______, I now understand his/her fears and resulting behaviors.

A.4 Even though until now I have felt (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______, I now understand that I can love and still create my boundaries.

A.5 Even though until now I have felt (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______, I now realize that loving the other means doing so even when he/she is wrong.

A.6 Even though until now I have felt (emotion of resistance) ____________ about the idea of loving (name of person) ______ when / because (his or her behavior) ______, I now want to go beyond this and on with my life –without these feelings.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (the emotion of resistance) towards loving (person) _______even when / though (behavior).
IV. Emotions which we had in the past when we
first experienced the event with the same person or others.

A.1. Even though I felt /feel (emotion) ____________ because of what (name of person) _____ did, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have felt (emotion) ____________ because of what (name of person) _____ did, I now prefer to live in the present and be free from this.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The Emotion) ______ about ____ (other person’s name and what he/she did)

V. Physical problems associated with emotions involved.

A.1. Even though I have this (physical phenomenon) ____________ in my _____ (part of body) ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have had this (physical phenomenon) ____________ in my (part of body) ___________, I am now becoming totally free from it.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (physical phenomenon) ______ in my (part of body)_____.

C. Reminder Phrase = (Physical phenomenon) _______ in my _____ (part of body)

VI. Childhood experiences similar to this event which make us more susceptible

A.1. Even though I feel (emotion) ____________ concerning what (name of person) _____ did ________(in childhood), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

A.2. Even though until now I have felt (emotion) ____________ concerning what(name of person) _____ did ________(in childhood), I now realize that he/she was a victim of his/her childhood experiences (programming).

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

D. Reminder Phrase = (the emotion) about (other person’s name and what he/she did)

In working on opening up to love, consider reading the following chapters:
EFT and Self-Esteem
EFT and False Relationship Prototypes
EFT and Communication Obstacles
EFT and Healing the Inner Child

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Article keywords: love, EFT, energy psychology, communication, obstacles

Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Robert E. Najemy, author of 25 books and life coach with 30 years of experience, has trained over 300 life coaches and now does so over the Internet. Become a life coach.
Over 600 free article and lectures at
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/

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