Lessons from a Relationship Coach: Recovering From Conflict

By:Jack Ito

Arguing, fighting, and withdrawing all have the effect of creating emotional distance. Sadness and anger maintain the distance. If more conflict occurs before these feelings can be resolved, the relationship progressively gets worse and may end.

The following relationship advice can help you to minimize the damage of conflict and get back on a positive track .

REDUCING ANGER AND SADNESS. Anger and sadness do not have to be completely gone before a couple can work on rebuilding. These feelings help couples to work on their relationship. When the anger or sadness is very intense, however, it must be reduced before progress can be made. With extreme sadness or anger it is better to seek professional counseling. Not to seek counseling jeopardizes the individuals as well as the relationship.

REBUILDING TRUST. No matter how much we want someone to trust us (or they want us to trust them), trust must be earned. Anything which results in physical or emotional injury to another results in a loss of trust to a greater or lesser extent. The longer and more severe the action, the greater damage to trust. The following three actions, done consistently over time, will rebuild trust:

1. Listening. Listening affirms that the other person's thoughts and feelings are important. Because relationships are supposed to make us feel important and special, a lack of listening will ultimately destroy a relationship. Talking about problems is not helpful if neither person is listening. To listen well:

*do not say whether you agree or not

* do not say how it makes you feel

* do not try to correct the other person

* do not try to give any kind of evidence that what the person is saying is wrong

Make the goal of your listening to understand what the other person is saying and why they are saying it-- without trying to influence them in any way. A useful structure is for the person speaking to hold an object (such as a pillow). Only the person holding the object is allowed to speak. The object can be passed by the speaker to the other person.

2. Being positive. Whenever you talk to your partner focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. Do not criticize or complain. Do not say, "I want you to not...". That is still saying what you don't want. Say the reverse of that, what you do want--"I want you to...". Telling someone what you don't want will make them defensive and make it less likely you will get what you want.

3. Honoring your commitments. If you say you will do something, then do it. Every time. Although you may have a reason to break your commitment, it will still break trust. If you cannot keep your commitments, then don't make them in the first place. If you have a tendency to forget your commitments, then write them down, schedule them, tie a string on your finger, or whatever you need to do to keep your commitments.

FIND COMMON GROUND When each person is motivated by the same goal, you will have a combined energy for working on it. Achieving even a small goal brings increased hope and positive energy. Many small goals are better than a few big goals. If you have a lot of conflict in your relationship, make your goals one day at a time. You may consider having a relationship coach who will help you to make goals and to achieve them--building greater success in a shorter period of time.

Reducing intense anger and sadness, listening, being positive, keeping your word, and working on common goals are the necessary follow up to conflict. They change a cycle of conflict to a cycle of increasing growth and intimacy. While ideally done by both partners, even one person doing these things can change a destructive relational pattern.

Ultimately, improving your relationships and your life are both up to you--the choices you make and the actions you take. Your life can be wonderful when you take charge and make it that way.

Digg del.icio.us Blink Stumble Spurl Reddit Netscape Furl

Article keywords: relationship advice, relationship help, marriage advice, marriage help, relationship coach

Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com

Jack Ito PhD is a licensed psychologist and relationship coach. Download his Free Guide to Great Relationships at www.GreatRelationshipCoach.org

Top Marriage Articles
1). Marriage Quiz By : CD Mohatta To raise questions about your marriage and relationship and try to find answers is a very helpful exercise. It reveals quite a lot about the present state of affairs and gives hint about what corrective action can be taken to make the marriage stronger. One should not take the marriage and the relationship for granted but keep on quizzing about how it is going.
2). New Body Language secrets By : ameritor If you've ever wondered about the validity of body language analysis, here is something new and exciting to ponder. Though we may be aware of body language, and be able to fake different positions to fool onlookers, this is not possible when we are asleep. At night, our body naturally and involuntarily adopts the position that feels the most natural.
3). Swinger Couples By : swingers Swinging, also called the alternative or 'alt' lifestyle, seems to be increasingly popular among mainstream, middle-aged married couples in America. With this increasing number of people who are into the lifestyle there is also a growing need for interactive ways to meet similar thinking couples. They find the internet to be the ultimate way to interaction.
4). Angered By An Affair By : Keishia Lee-Louis Ask the Marriage Maven: Angered by an Affair Q. About a year ago, my husband had an affair with someone we both knew. It happened while I was pregnant. He said it would never happen again, but I’m not so sure. She’s still in and out of our social circles. I want to try to work things out, but every time I think about it, it makes me sick. The sad thing is that we’ve been married less than three years.
5). Romance And Happy Marriage Myths By : Rene Graeber The institution of marriage is surrounded by a number of myths, stories and advice freely offered by people on a daily basis. Unfortunately, many people listen to and believe these pieces of so-called wisdom to the point where it doesn’t help their marriage and it only hinders its growth. Many of the myths regarding relationships are incredibly damaging and it is unfortunate that they are such common beliefs.
6). Marriage Should not be a Compromise By : Ken Snowie Everyone has heard the old adage that marriage is all about compromise. That should not always be the case, though! Every issue should not be about compromise or your marriage will seem like a constant business negotiation, and someone will always feel slightly cheated. This can lead to resentment and bitterness. While many issues in marriage do require a great deal of compromise, sometimes you should just give in.
7). Why Do Women Cheat? – An Update By : Steve Roberts I’ve received some relevant critique to my original article, “Why Do Women Cheat?” This critique falls into two categories: men’s experience with a single woman cheating with many others, or men’s experience with a number of relationships where it seems the women always cheat on them.
8). Cheating Husband or Wife: 6 Keys to Know if You are Ready to Handle What You Might Find When You Spy By : Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them. Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here.
9). The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer By : Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of 6 kinds of affairs I outline in my E-book. This is the "revenge affair." It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse. The offending spouse usually lacks the skills of personal confrontation or is frightened by the prospect of someone "getting upset.
10). Why Most Marriages Fail By : Gerald McNicholl Roughly 50% of all marriages fail and many of those don’t even make it past the first year. Understanding why marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not.

New Marriage Articles
1). Getting onto the Playing Field of Love By : Jaci Rae The playing field of love. How to stay on the field and off the bench without season ending injuries. Jaci Rae - The Rae of Hope - Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life One Touchdown at a Time and The Indie Guide to Music, Marketing and Money
2). Planning for Your Financial Future By : Nathan Dawson Two heads are better than one, so sit down with your spouse and plan out your financial future together. Prioritize your bills.
3). How I Improved My Marriage Ten-Fold In One Evening By : Beth Young This article discusses practical ways to resolve conflict within a marriage. By applying these communication steps, you will discover how you can change your marriage in one evening. It will take practice, but with time, you will discover that your marriage has improved more than ten-fold.
4). Secrets For A Wonderful Start To Your Marriage By : Mark Webb All marriages need to get off to a great start. Specifics for couples, young and old, to ensure their marital success.
5). The History Behind Traditional Anniversay Gifts By : Charlie Welf Nobody can say with any amount of certainty when the tradition of giving anniversary gifts started. Most probably it evolved over time. Traditionally, each wedding anniversary is celebrated by giving a gift made from a different material
6). Glad To Be Married By : Scott Bianchi I am glad to be married. I have been married for almost 8 years and together with my wife for a total of 12 years. As you can see it has been a long time since I have been on a date and I couldn’t be more thankful. I found dating to be difficult back when I was doing it, now there are so many more dimensions to dating, it must be even more of a challenge.
7). Marriage - Are You Facing Emotional Abuse? By : CD Mohatta Those who have control and power can inflict emotional abuse. It is as bad as physical abuse. Some people call emotional abuse as worse than physical abuse. Let us discuss about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may leave deep scars on the psyche. In emotional abuse the perpetrator withholds all the emotional satisfaction from the victim. The self-dignity of the victim is bruised repeatedly and he/she is shown as a lesser person.
8). Engagement Rings - How To... By : Roy Dietelzieg Even thought buying a diamond engagement ring is the same as buying any other engagement ring, there are a few things you should think about before you step into the shop and let the experienced salesperson talk you into paying your last 3 months of hard work away. One thing is sure. You made up your mind, you are going to ask the big question, you got the night all planned in your head… but you still need a ring to seal the deal.
9). Marriage - How To Avoid Work Stress Hurt Your Marriage? By : CD Mohatta Work stress plays a very major role in hurting married life. Most of the men and women bring their stress home and play havoc with their married life. The stress spills over at home and creates further stress. Home should be used to dissolve the work stress. Home should be the place to relax and get comfort. Home should be the place where we get rid of the stress that we bring from outside.
10). Simple Steps Can Create A Solid Marriage By : JM Jackson Issues that arise in marriages can be very complicated. Few issues are simple. There are, however some very simple ways to keep your relationship positive and help you work your way through a lot of difficult situations. Use these 7 tips to help you continue to nurture a positive relationship. 1. If you want your marriage healthy and positive, you have to really want to keep it that way.