|
Home / Technology
More Important Than Love
By:Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated.
Title: More Important Than Love
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: © 2004 by Margaret Paul
URL: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 809
Category: Relationships, Sexuality
More Important Than Love
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
“I just want to feel loved,” complained Angie. “Is that too much to ask? I want to be able to count on Richard in bed. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t count!”
Angie and her husband, Richard, were caught in a power struggle that was having a very negative affect on their sex life. Most of the time, as soon as they started to have intercourse, Richard would ejaculate, leaving Angie angry and frustrated. The more upset Angie got, the more trouble Richard was having sexually. They started counseling with me due to this issue.
“Richard,” I asked, “Have you had problems with premature ejaculation in other relationships before you got married?”
“Yes,” he answered. “Sometimes they would start off okay, but eventually they always ended up this way. I’ve tried lots of different things but nothing has worked. I just don’t know what the problem is.”
As I got to know Angie and Richard, it became apparent to me that they were caught in a control-resist system, and that it was this system that was affecting their sex life. It was the same system that had negatively affected their sex lives in previous relationships.
Angie had learned early in her life, from both of her parents, to protect herself from pain with anger and righteousness. When things didn’t go her way or when she felt rejected, she would get hard, bristly, blaming, and parental. At those moments, having control over getting love and avoiding pain was more important to her than being loving to herself and others. Angie had no idea how to take loving care of herself in the face of feeling rejected.
Richard learned early in his life from his experiences with his parents that not being controlled was more important than being loving to himself or others. He learned to go into various forms of resistance to feel safe from being controlled by others, including not doing well in school and not taking care of his health. For Richard, premature ejaculation was another form of covert resistance. It’s as if his body was saying, “I don’t want to be controlled so I need to get out of here as soon as I can.” In addition, he was covertly saying to Angie, and perhaps women in general, “I’ll show you that you can’t control me.” Richard had no idea how to take loving care of himself in the face of feeling engulfed, so the wounded part of him would revert to what he learned as a child - resistance.
While Angie was not causing Richard to resist and Richard was not causing Angie to get angry and judgmental, they were each reacting to the other’s learned protections with their own learned protections. Either one could shift the system by learning to take care of themselves when their fears of rejection and engulfment surfaced.
For example, Angie can practice tuning into her feelings of rejection and reassuring herself that Richard’s behavior is coming from his fear of engulfment and is not a personal rejection of her. She can practice moving into compassion for herself and Richard, rather than going immediately into judgment.
Richard can practice speaking his truth and standing up for himself when Angie is angry and blaming, rather than going into automatic resistance. He can let Angie know that he is not available to being treated this way, and at the same time stay open to caring about her feelings and understanding that his resistant behavior is painful to her.
While the power struggle is showing up in the sexual arena, it is actually taking place in the whole relationship. Often the sexual relationship is a barometer of what is happening in the rest of the relationship. With Angie and Richard, the control and resistant behavior is most apparent in their sexual relationship. Sexuality is a vulnerable area, and it is easy to feel rejected in the sexual arena. Because of this vulnerability, it is in this area that Angie is most controlling. It is in this arena where she feels most rejected when Richard is not fully present or prematurely ejaculates. Richard, on the other hand, is most frightened of being controlled in the sexual arena. Being told what to do and how he should perform sets off all his fears of engulfment. The anxiety he feels over performance as well as the anger over Angie’s attempts to control him combine to make him too tense to be fully present. Without being present with his love for Angie, his body resists lovemaking.
Instead of working on sex, Angie and Richard are each working on their individual participation in the control-resist system. Each are practicing staying open to honesty and caring and personal responsibility for their own feelings rather than just controlling and resisting control. As a result, their sex life is slowly improving.
About the Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com.
Digg
del.icio.us
Blink
Stumble
Spurl
Reddit
Netscape
Furl
Article Source: http://www.articles2k.com
|
|
| Top Technology Articles |
- 1). Sound Proofing Techniques By : Barney Garcia
Are you frequently disturbed by different sounds entering your room while you are working or sleeping? It is then time for you to take a look into the different sound proofing techniques.
|
- 2). The Market for Used Business Phone System Equipment By : Kingston Amadan
Business phone systems and the companies who sell them exist in a world all their own. The competition is stiff, with several different retailers and wholesalers carrying the same brands. The competition for used and refurbished business phones and business phone systems is even fiercer, as many companies are searching for equipment that can be used to expand their current system.
|
|
|
- 4). Elevator Action By : James Monahan
Elevators are enclosure or platforms that are operated by cables, motors and other equipment or accessories enabling the vertical shaft to go up and down, and transport people, freight or both.
|
|
|
- 6). Pagers - How Do They Work? By : Trevor Dumbleton
How do those beeping things work that people carry around on their belts? There are several types of pagers but, basically, it’s all done by good, old- fashioned radio waves. Someone sends you a text message with a touch-tone phone – or it can also be sent by email – and the message is forwarded to the thing on your belt, which then emits a beep or vibration to tell you you’ve got a message.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| New Technology Articles |
- 1). Which Online Gaming Console Is The Best? By : Gregg Hall
Computers used to be the only way to access the internet and game online, now you can hook up most gaming consoles. Access to other gamers through the internet has brought gaming to another level, making competition for the best gaming console fierce.
|
|
|
- 3). HDTV Introduction By : DavidZ
Are you looking to buy a HDTV? Take a look at our guide to find out what HDTV is about.
1. What does HDTV stand for?
High Definition Television
2. What is HTDV?
It is a new technology and way of filming that has a higher bit depth resolution and gives you a sense or realism while watching the program. Sports are one of the leading industries in high definition programming.
|
- 4). Perform Conference Calls Without Having Prior Reservations By : Amporn Saechin
Other teleconferencing services allow subscribers to perform conference calls without having prior reservations. If you're looking for conference bridgeline services or conference recording services, I highly recommend e-Teleconferencing. Unlike other automated teleconferencing services, ReadyConference gives you a permanent dial-in number and passcode you can use any time, from anywhere - 24/7.
|
- 5). Amazing Communications By : Analeese Burnabaker
As history has progressed and technology has continued to advance, life has become full of more and more good things. Without a doubt, one of the best things that our society has gained from the advances of technology is communications.
Consider for a few moments all of the amazing forms of communications that have made your life easier and more full.
|
- 6). A Look At Cordless Phones By : Angel Estrella
Cordless phones, also known as portable telephones, use a wireless handset in order to communicate with the phone’s base, which is connected to a telephone landline. In order for cordless phones to function properly, they must be used within a specified proximity to the base. Most individuals find that they can use their cordless phones throughout the house or in the yard without interruption.
|
- 7). Send Greetings For Better Communication By : CD Mohatta
Greetings are probably as old as the civilization. People always greet each other whenever they meet or talk. A good morning, hello, how are you, how are things at your end, etc are some of the common ways to begin the conversation. A greeting in everyday life connects us better with another person. One generally does not immediately come to the subject matter without a greeting in almost all meetings.
|
- 8). Pagers - How Do They Work? By : Trevor Dumbleton
How do those beeping things work that people carry around on their belts? There are several types of pagers but, basically, it’s all done by good, old- fashioned radio waves. Someone sends you a text message with a touch-tone phone – or it can also be sent by email – and the message is forwarded to the thing on your belt, which then emits a beep or vibration to tell you you’ve got a message.
|
- 9). Palm Treo: Getting Started With Your New Treo Smartphone By : Christopher Meinck
Copyright 2006 Christopher Meinck
Getting Started With a Palm Treo Smartphone
For many, adding a Palm Treo smartphone to their life is an exciting time. Most are coming from a traditional cellphone and the capabilities of a smartphone never seize to amaze. The Palm Treo features a large color LCD screen, full keyboard and software for syncing your personal data with your PC or Mac.
|
- 10). Cheap Prepaid Calling Card - Making The Work For You By : Melissa Wayan
So most prepaid calling cards are cheap prepaid calling cards. I mean when you think about it, the calling cards really are significantly cheaper than the cost of calling from a landline. My parents pay around 20 cents a minute to call me and I have found calling cards from the United States to Venezuela for a low at 3 cents a minute. I found most of these online.
|
|
|
