Margaret Paul, Ph. D. Profile and Articles

Display by: Popularity | Title

1). Healing Anger and Violence in Our Society
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. All this experience has resulted in the development of a profound six-step healing process, called Inner Bonding, which anyone can learn and use throughout the day (FREE course available - see resource box).

The violence in Littleton, Colorado sparked many discussions regarding the cause of such horrifying behavior on the part of two teenage boys.

2). Trust Starts with You
“I have a hard time trusting people.”

“I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife).”

It is very common for me, in my work as a counselor, to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It’s about you become a trustworthy person with yourself and learning to trust yourself.

3). Beauty, Gratitude, and the Open Heart
“…beauty on your earth is a shadow of the beauty of our heaven, and it’s a bitter thing to have a blindness for beauty on earth, for it makes a longer teaching to see the beauties of heaven.” Spoken by an Irish spirit in the book The Boy who Saw True (anonymous author).

I have been counseling individuals, couples, families and business partners for the last 35 years, and am the author of eight published books.

4). Being an Emotional Victim
None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term "victim" brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, It comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to be emotional victims. Having counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for 35 years, I know that many of us are victims much of the time without realizing it.

5). Managing Loneliness
My experience from 37 years of counseling individuals and couples is that most of the problems from which people suffer stem from how they handle the events of life, rather than the events themselves.

Certainly traumatic and tragic events such as loss of loved ones, financial loss, and health issues are extremely challenging. However, some people manage to move through these events with equanimity, while others remain stuck in fear, anxiety, and depression.

6). The Secret of Self-Esteem
Have you ever thought about what really creates self-esteem? Having a deep sense of inner worth is important to all of us, but many people have some false beliefs about what creates confidence in our own merit as individuals.

Some of the common false beliefs regarding what creates self-esteem are:
* I will feel good about my self when I’m making $______(fill in the amount) a year.

7). Fight, Flight, or Loving Action
Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When fear is present, adrenaline pours into our system to prepare us to fight or flee - from the tiger, the bear, the lava from the volcano….

Fight or flight - today we automatically respond this way to the present dangers, the deep fears that come up in relationships: rejection and engulfment - fears of loss of other and loss of self.

8). Controlling Behavior – How Do You Attempt to Control?
Controlling behavior: Behavior intended to control your own feelings, control how people feel about you and treat you, or control the outcome of things.

All of us have grown up learning many different ways to control – we had to as part of our survival.

Perhaps you grew up in a family that used anger and criticism as forms of control and this became the role modeling for what you do now.

9). The Underlying Cause of Nervous Breakdowns
Life can offer us many challenges having to do with loss. When we are faced with relationship loss, financial loss, loss of health, loss of limb, loss of regard, or loss of love, we can feel overwhelmingly anxious, depressed and stressed. When the anxiety, depression and stress get too big, we may have a nervous breakdown – that is, we become incapable of functioning in our everyday life and incapable of coping with our daily challenges.

10). Recovery From Addictions, Part 4
In Part 1 of this series of articles, I defined substance and process addictions, and described the four major false beliefs that underlie most addictions:

1. I can’t handle my pain.
2. I am unworthy and unlovable.
3. Others are my source of love.
4. I can have control over how others feel about me and treat me.

Part 2 was about the first of these beliefs – learning how to handle pain.

11). Healthy Grief, Unhealthy Grief
We all know that it is in one’s highest good to grieve the loss of a relationship. Healthy grief releases feelings rather than allowing them to get stuck in the body. Healthy grief allows the griever to heal the loss and move on with life.

Yet grief is not always healing. Many of us have known people who were stuck in their grief, seemingly locked into the past and unable to move forward in their lives.

12). Empty Nest Syndrome
Paula’s last child had just gone off to college and Paula was struggling with a deep inner emptiness. While she knew this day was coming, she was not really prepared for the intense hollowness that welled up within. After all, she had a life of her own. Her work as an occupational therapist, which she had gone back to after all her three children were in school, was fulfilling to her.

13). The Powerful Secret to A Loving Relationship
There are many factors that go into creating a loving relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time. It also helps if they have common values around religion or spirituality, around politics, the environment, abortion, and personal growth. It helps if they both eat junk food or both eat organic food.

14). Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior
When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me.

15). Relationship Deal-breakers
In the 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exist in all primary relationships.

16). Who Are The Underminers?
How many of you had the experience growing up of being told in various ways to limit yourselves from being all you can be? The movie “The Incredibles” is a wonderful metaphor for this. In this movie, the superheroes – the people with extraordinary powers – are restricted from using their powers.

When I was growing up, I was not supported in being all I could be.

17). Should I Give Up Me To Not Lose You?
How far can you afford to bend your values to preserve your relationship? How far can you go in giving yourself up to avoid losing your partner? How much of yourself can you afford to sacrifice to not lose someone you love? How do we find the balance between maintaining our integrity and bending our values?

Most relationships require us to bend to.

18). Fear of Engulfment
Roger, 33, is a successful engineer. Married with one child, Roger called me because his marriage was falling apart. His wife, Laura, had recently told him that the marriage was over unless they got some help. She told him she just couldn’t take it any more.

Roger and Laura were both on the phone for their first phone session with me. Laura described what the problem was for her.

19). Addiction to Perfection
The following email was sent to me by Karen, a member of our website:

“For no obvious reason this morning, I was feeling anxious and depressed. I looked at it and realized that the false belief creating all this was that I have to be perfect in order for me to allow myself to feel happiness. Yet, there are so many conditions for me to be perfect that it is almost impossible to achieve.

20). Recovery From Addictions: Part 1
(This is Part 1 of a 5-part series on addiction).

Just about everyone in our society is addicted to something. Addictions can take many forms:

SUBSTANCE ADDICTIONS: addiction to alcohol, recreational drugs, prescription meds, caffeine, nicotine, food, sugar, carbohydrates.

PROCESS ADDICTIONS: addiction to love, connection, caretaking, anger, resistance,.

21). Addiction to Talking
There is an old joke about people who talk a lot: “Do you know the 12-Step program for people who talk a lot? On and On Anon!”

The joke recognizes that fact that incessant talking is a common addiction.

Non-stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving oneself enough attention and approval. The talker is not actually offering anything to the listener.

22). What Is a Boundary?
My clients often explain to me how they set a boundary. They tell me something like, “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop putting me down in public,” or “I set a boundary. I told her she has to be on time from now on,” or “I set a boundary. I told him he has to stop being critical of me.”

This is not a boundary. A boundary is not about telling another person what to do.

23). Why Do People Lie?
Amanda and Ron had been married for six years and had two small children. I had counseled them during some difficult times in their marriage, but had not heard from them for a while. Then Amanda scheduled an emergency phone session with me. She was very upset.

“I just found out that Ron’s been watching porno on the Internet and lying to me about it.

24). Rediscovering Love and Intimacy
Wendy started counseling with me because Terence, her husband of 14 years, had just expressed to her that he wanted to end their relationship. Wendy, terrified of being alone, was panicked. Within a few minutes of speaking with her in a phone session, I understood exactly the underlying cause of their relationship problems.

Wendy, coming from a family where she experienced much neglect, had a deep abandonment fear.

25). Codependent Relationships: Takers and Caretakers
Takers and caretakers – they often seem to find each other! As a counselor who has worked with relationships for 37 years, I can tell you that this is the most frequent relationship dynamic that I encounter.

Takers are people who tend to be narcissistic – that is, they are self-centered with an excessive need for attention and admiration. The taker.

26). Addiction to Thinking
Randall sought my help because he was stuck being miserable and had no idea how to get out of his misery. In his life he had experienced moments of great joy and sense of oneness with all of life, but those moments were infrequent. He wanted more of those moments but had no idea how to bring them about.

Randall is an extremely intelligent man, but in some ways he was using his own intelligence against himself.

27). The Dating Scene - Signs of a Promising Relationship
Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.

In Celine’s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary’s ardent pursuit of her.

28). The Poison of Resentment
Actress Susan Saint James, in a TV interview after the terrible plane crash that claimed the life of her 14 year old son Teddy, and injured her husband, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol, and her son Charles, made the following brilliant statement: “Resentment is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.” Even in the face of her great loss, she is not angry, blaming, or resentful.

29). Date Lying
A reader of my articles wrote to me about the article I wrote entitled, “Why do People Lie?” He said that he would be “very interested in a similar article with examples about all the lying that women do….At least in the initial stages of dating, women lie sooooo much.”

Well, being a woman, I’m not as aware of how much women lie on dates as I am of how much men lie on dates.

30). Discerning The Loving Heart
How often have you had the experience of connecting with someone – a friend or a potential partner – who turns out to be an uncaring person? At first you think this is a really good person, and then down the line you discover that the person is self-centered, narcissistic, angry and uncaring. You wonder how you could be so wrong, and what can you do.

31). What Causes Holiday Stress?
The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration when friends and families get together to share food, fun, gifts, and love. They are supposed to be a time of giving, caring and connection when we celebrate important and meaningful events.

Why, then, are they often so stressful and what can we do to make them more fun and peaceful?

Changing the holiday season from stressful to peaceful depends upon one thing: INTENT.

32). Two Choices That can Make Next Year The Best Year of Your Life
What if there were just two choices you could make to insure that next year would be wonderful? There actually are, and these choices are quite simple in concept, yet not easy to do. They are not things you do on the outside, such as exercising your body (which is always a good thing to do!) but ways of thinking and being on the inside. These have to do with your attitude and your intent.

33). Toddler Skills for Personal Responsibility
There are three skills that are very important for our little ones to learn early in their lives.

1) Children need to be able to fall asleep on their own. Infants and toddlers who are always rocked to sleep, or breastfed or bottle fed to sleep, learn to depend upon others for falling asleep and do not develop their own falling asleep mechanism. This can cause much distress for parents who go through the nightly nightmare of trying to get their infant or toddler to sleep.

34). How Do You Know When You Are In Love?
IMPORTANT – Publication and Reprint Terms

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Please ask permission if you want to publish this article in print.

Commercial use.

35). Sustaining Romance After Becoming Parents
IMPORTANT – Publication and Reprint Terms

The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,
print publication or on your web site, so long as the author resource box at the end is included, with hyperlinks. Notification of publication would be appreciated. Please ask permission if you want to publish this article in print.

Commercial use.

36). Ending Relationships Gracefully
In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, “How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings?” Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a friendship, ending it gracefully is generally a challenge.

The problem arises because so many people see it as a reflection of their worth when someone doesn’t want to be with them. “If I was good enough, this person would want to be with me, so there must be something wrong with me.

37). The Challenge of Families
Angie grew up in a family where she was the caretaker. The oldest of four, Angie was the only member of her family capable of deep caring, empathy and compassion. As a result, she was always attempting to protect her brother and sisters from her father’s physical and emotional abuse. Even her mother learned to turn to her for help and protection. Because everyone learned to rely on Angie, when things didn’t turn out the way they wanted, Angie was the one they blamed.

38). Expressing Your Love Through Service
A client of mine told me that she had been making food for a friend of hers who was very ill. “I find that my heart opens and I feel so happy when I am doing something for someone else. I need to do this more, but I don’t know what to do.”

Doing service is a powerful way to open the heart and fulfill the soul. Those people who do service know how much joy they receive from giving to others.

39). The Courage to Be a Loving Parent
Most of us really don’t like it when someone is angry at us. We don’t like it when people go into resistance to helping us when we need help, instead of caring about us. We don’t like it when people withdraw from us, disconnecting from us and shutting us out. We don’t like it when people make demands on us and do not respect our right or need to say no.

40). Alone for the Holidays?
Being alone is a challenge for many people. This challenge may loom especially large during the holidays if you are single or newly divorced and without family around you. Holidays are a time to share love, and many people end up feeling depressed when they do not have people around with whom to share love. If you are in this situation, what can you do to make the holidays joyous rather than depressing?

The key phrase here is SHARE LOVE.

41). Speaking Your Truth to Your Partner
Mark sought my help because he was thinking of leaving his wife, Linda. He had not been feeling in love with Linda for a long time, but they had two children and he really didn’t want to break up the family.

“Mark,” I asked, “Were you ever in love with Linda?”

“Yes, at the beginning of our relationship.”

“Then what happened?”

“Linda seemed to get really insecure once I started my new business and had long work days.

42). Power Struggles – Being Right or Being Loving
Mandy and Evan consulted with me for couple’s counseling because they were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.

I ask Mandy and Evan to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them.

43). Can This Relationship Be Helped?
I have been counseling couples for 35 years. Quite often individuals come in for help wondering if it is really possible to save or improve their relationship. Perhaps their partner is totally uninterested in working on the relationship. Perhaps their partner is an alcoholic or drug addict. What are their chances of saving their relationship?

Since.

44). Healing The Abandonment Wounds
I have counseled individuals, couples, families and business partners for the past 35 years and authored eight published books. Every individual I’ve worked with has had some abandonment wound to heal, and most relationship problems stem from abandonment wounds.

It is not possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways it can occur:
* Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.

45). Are You Invisible?
Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.

46). Accessing Your Spiritual Guidance
For the last 35 years, I have been working with individuals, couples and families, as well as business relationships. I have 8 published books on relationships and healing, some of them best-sellers. In the first half of my career, I worked as a traditional psychotherapist, and was not happy with the results. In the last 18 years I have worked with a process called Inner Bonding, which is a powerful six step psychological and spiritual healing process.

47). Start Growing Healthy Children Before Getting Pregnant
When I was in my early 20’s, I read Adele Davis’s book, “Let’s Eat Right To Keep fit.” I learned from her that “you are what you eat.” I also learned that our babies are what we eat while we are pregnant, and then are what they eat once they are born. If you nurse your babies, then they continue to be what you eat as long as you are nursing them. My bible during my first pregnancy over 38 years ago was “Let’s Have Healthy Children,” also by Adele Davis.

48). What About Drugs for Anxiety and Depression?
As a counselor, I am often asked, “Can drugs be helpful for anxiety and depression?” The answer I give is “Yes” and “No.”

Yes, drugs may be useful for short-term help. No, drugs are not a good long-term solution.

Anxiety and depression are not caused by a lack of drugs. Drugs do not heal the underlying causes of anxiety and depression. However, when drugs are temporarily used to give a person a window of relief to do the inner work necessary to heal the underlying causes, they can be useful.

49). Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
Demanding children – children who have entitlement issues – seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child, Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever she wanted (“I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!”), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, “I want ….

50). Relationships: Taking Care of Yourself in the Moment
Maria consulted with me because she was frustrated about the distance she felt in her relationship with her husband, Carl. He wanted to be close to her, but she didn’t feel close to him.

“I think the problem is that he often talks to me in a judgmental or condescending way. He sounds like a parent rather than a partner. I just hate being spoken to like that.

Browse Pages: 1 [2]