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1). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep."
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner.

He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.

2). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.

3). Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus.

The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day.

4). Saddam Hussein Seeks Mcdonald's Francise
Saddam Hussein, in his latest bid to escape execution for crimes against his own people, has applied to McDonald’s for a franchise. The application is widely regarded as a move by his defense team to convince the court that, if his life is spared, he will be a model citizen in the Iraq of the future.

In his application, Hussein states that he has a great deal of fast-food experience from his months on the run.

5). The Topless CPA
Todd, out of town on business and looking for a bit of comfort, knew he was in trouble when the topless dancer he just couldn’t say no to slipped his next twenty into her silver garter, and, with a twinkle in her green eyes, asked, “Would you like to go to the champagne room? It’s more private in there.”

Although this was Todd’s first visit to this.

6). A Revised History Of Pasta
While Marco Polo, a Venetian, is generally given credit for discovering noodles in China, recent research suggests that Italian pasta in all its glorious varieties was actually discovered in Rome nearly a century earlier, and quite by accident, by a remarkably unlikely epicurean named Julius Amplonius, with the able assistance of an invading barbarian named Klunk, The Great.

7). Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid.

The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, “I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff.

8). Despite Hurricane Season, Weather Still Better Than On Moon
While last year’s hurricane season made people who reverberate with manifestations of climate change shake their heads at the thunderous weather, we must admit that, despite its destructive force, the weather remained significantly better than that to be found on our placidly windless neighbor, the moon.

Actually, having ascertained better weather than on that silvery disk, we wonder where else in the slightly traveled solar system we might find weather more clement.

9). Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary
Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo.

While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.

10). Government Study Shows Decrease In Buying Power Of Dollar; Now Equal To Penny
The U. S. Department of Treasury has done a reevaluation of the currency and determined that the buying-power of the dollar bill is now the exact equivalent of what the buying power of a penny once was.

As a result, it appears that the long-endangered penny has finally met its meltdown.

The study also revealed that the future of other traditional pieces of the currency is in question.

11). Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates
An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114.

Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty.

12). Pope to Rule On Condoms And AIDS; May Consult People With Hands-On Experience
Pope Benedict, taking an unexpected and courageous step, has asked for recommendations from fellow ecclesiastics about whether or not a couple, in which one member has AIDS, may use condoms for the prevention of disease.

We assume, however, for the greater glorification of the Church, that neither he nor his advisers are at the expert level when it comes to either topic under consideration.

13). Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into
The Surgeon General, after reading the results of a recent report about the alarming number of fatalities in U. S. hospitals that are due to preventable human error, was uncertain about what hospital to check his grandmother into when he learned that she was suffering from shortness of breath.

He decided the time had come from decisive government action.

14). JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz
The Jazzfest in New Orleans, intended to revive the sodden spirits of the land of legendary jazz greats, went off, oddly enough, with comparatively little jazz. There was, in conspicuous unlikelihood, Bruce Springsteen, who did manage a soulful rendition of When the Saints Go Marching In. Also on hand was the legendary jazz performer Elvis Costello.

15). Bin Laden Releases Another Audiotape: Hideout Too Dark For Video
Apparently, unable to contain his enthusiasm for bumming out the relatively nice and unsuspecting folks who make up much of the Western World, the misinformed medievalist has released another drearily threatening audiotape. Since the combined political, military, and intelligence resources of the civilized world cannot locate the potato head, we suggest the audiotape be taken as an opportunity to arrest him.

16). Microsoft Vista To Support Only Microsoft Products; Denies Monopolistic Intent
Microsoft announced today that its new Vista operating system would support only products made by Microsoft.

The announcement immediately set off a tsunami of furious responses from all the other software companies and a renewed sharp eye from regulatory authorities.

The company effusively denied that the move is in any way indicative of monopolistic practices.

17). The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A Better Script?
First, we learned to say and spell the puppet’s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah’s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn’t make sense.

He raises one hand and, without the mullah appearing.

18). Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense
Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general.

Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, “As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.

19). Chinese Leader Visits U. S. Shops For Sneakers
Hu Jintao, the leader of China, began his four-day trip to the United States by doing something that made him feel right at home. Landing in Seattle, he was driven immediately to a Footlocker, where he purchased a pair of Nike sneakers. He proudly held them up to the camera, displaying the label on the inside of the tongue that heralded, “Made in China.

20). Reading Tabloid Headlines At Supermarket Checkout Counters
Surely, one of the most underestimated trivial sources of amusement in America is the cursory perusal of tabloid headlines while waiting to be checked out at your favorite supermarket.

Here we learn of the marital squabbles and birthing tribulations of young movie stars who have nothing more interesting about them than they happened to be cute enough to be merchandised as current stars of movies that are in no danger of adding anything new to our experiences.

21). Berlosconi Gets Plate of Spaghetti In Face
Silvio Berlusconi, the media tycoon who became the outspoken, conservative Prime Minister of Italy, was recently handed an electoral plate of spaghetti in the face.

As you no doubt have read, he lost a narrow race to a left-of-center challenger, who the deep-pocketed Berlusconi outspent many times over. Although Berlusconi continues to contest the vote, the Italian court ruled in favor of his opponent.

22). Major Software Innovation: Same Tasks In All Programs Will Be Done With Same Clicks
Writing software, once a form of individual proclivity, is about to be, at least in its most common functions, daringly standardized.

The innovative initiative has been dubbed "A Uniform Standard For Dumb Simple Tasks."

While the group that has put forward the radical suggestion has no way of enforcing it, widespread adoption is expected, because.

23). Russia Defends Iranian Nuke Program; Considers Position Good Customer Service
While the civilized world has reacted with horror at Iran’s plan to harness the energy of the atom, as in bombs away, Russia has steadfastly defended the menacing mullahdom’s nuclear ambitions.

At first, any person distinguished for responsible behavior is taken back by such apparently reckless advocacy, not only because it seems wildly risky, if not.

24). Canada In Secret Talks To Trade Quebec For Florida
History does not record the existence of a single Canadian who has not wished his nation had a bit of tropical diversity.

As chilliness North of Niagara would have it, Ottawa has had an ongoing freeze-on, freeze-off relationship with the relatively trendy Province of Quebec, that charming faux-French survival of the Sun King’s proud misjudgments about the importance of the new world.

25). Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.

26). No Pulitzer For Drama; No Wonder
This year, when The Pulitzer Prizes were announced, the not entirely delightful news is that no Pulitzer was awarded in drama.

While the decision is unsettling, the prudence of it must be acknowledged, since, affection for the theater and those who make it aside, there was no drama to consider.

Let us have the courage to ask why and, along the way, try our best to understand everybody’s culpability or innocence.

27). Clever Mayor Roy Nagen: Has Runoff Election With White Guy Who Looks Just Like Roy Himself
We wouldn’t even hazard a guess at the odds against such a outcome, but the runoff election in New Orleans looks about as bizarre as anything you’re likely to see even in the Mardi Gras.

Roy Nagen, the Mr. Malaprop of mayoral politics, who alienated white voters when he voiced the proud hope of making the city, in the wake of Katrina, “chocolate again,” has gotten himself caught up in a runoff election with a white guy, Lieutenant Governor Mitch Landrieu, who, at least to us, looks just like a paler version of Roy himself.

28). The Headless Horseman Of Mass Media: Information Everywhere, Philosophy Nowhere
Did you ever notice that we’re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out of a plastic bottle without burping.

29). Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?

Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all but the most foolhardy consider way off limits, at least, in what is referred to as polite conversation.

30). Update: Artic National Wildlife Refuge: Senate Rejects "Oil Drilling"; Approves "Oil Hunting."
Fueled by skyrocketing gasoline prices, the Senate once again took up debate on oil drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge.

The members were sharply split along party lines, with Democrats maintaining that the very idea of intruding on that pristine national treasure with oil rigs is an affront to every responsible American's instinct for wilderness preservation, while Republicans were more inclined to advocate tapping the oil for the preservation of their electoral status as members of the Senate.

31). Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered
Since the 1950s, when short but fast players had a chance of making it onto a professional court – such as the legendary Bob Cousy of the Boston Celtics, known for startling innovations like dribbling and passing behind the back – the sport has been dominated by ever taller athletes, starting with the arrival of Wilt, The Stilt, Chamberlain.

Now, The.

32). PCB's Help Fish Live Longer; Nobody Eats Them
While the plenteous negative effects of PCB’s have been written about, we have a tad of redemptive news about those odious contaminators of our priceless waterways.

Average fish longevity has increased markedly, simply because we’re all advised not to consume them. Or only to consume them in limited numbers.

As a result, fish by the millions that would otherwise be toted home to finish their days in a skillet or on a grille are being tossed back to their watery home.

33). Time To Bring Pete Rose Home
Poor Pete Rose, the tireless slugger who the execs of the game kicked out because he was caught bet-handed. How many hears must the remorseful soul twist on the rack of their self-righteous protection of the reputation of the sport?

Is it not past time to have mercy on the once-mistaken Pete, The Gambler, and make a redemptive place for the extraordinary.

34). Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!"
Recently, the price of gas has gone up approximately three or four times a day, depending on how energetic the person is who climbs up and changes the prices at your favorite filling station, until the only word for the skyrocketing astonishment is "gas-tronomical!”

President Bush took a bold stance on the issue, saying, ““Americans understand the price of crude oil is going up but they will not accept manipulation of the market.

35). U. S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B. S. Into Fuel
While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.

A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.

36). America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior
America, which has sacrificed the lives of its citizens and its material plentitude more selflessly than any other nation in history to come to the assistance of other countries, noted the astonishingly heated negative commentary about it emanating from virtually every corner of the globe and has decided to sue the rest of the world on the grounds of ungrateful behavior.

37). France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object
France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.

As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.

38). Bolivian President Evo Morales: Expropriates Energy Company Assets While Accusing Them Of Stealing
The new leftist President of Bolivia, Evo Morales, wasted no time sending his nation’s underdeveloped economy into a tailspin by expropriating the assets of the energy companies who had made major investments in his impoverished land.

But, clever fellow that he is, he couched the counterproductive theft in terms of preventing the companies from stealing Bolivia’s natural resources.

39). Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy
As the distribution of wealth in America becomes increasingly skewed toward the wealthiest 7% or so of the population, where we find more and more resplendently bedecked billionaires, the income of the other 93% of the populace continues to go the way of wealthiest.

The growing destitution of this significant segment of the population has now become so acute that the majority of Americans are all set to declare bankruptcy.

40). The Illogical Puppet Of Iran: Any Chance Of Getting The Little Guy A New Script?
First, we learned to say and spell the puppet’s name: Armadinejad. Not exactly Smith. Then we watched him perform upon a crafty mullah’s knee. We have been patient, like any fair-minded audience, but the more we listen, the more we realize that the puppet has a script that just doesn’t make sense.

He raises one hand and, without the mullah appearing.

41). Polar Bears Drowning; Washington Sends Lifejackets
As you have no doubt heard, polar bears have begun to drown because the ice on which they tread in quest of unsuspecting seals is melting earlier, so they have to swim longer distances in their quest for a seal meal.

Since the ice is melting about three months before it has since humans cast a weather eye toward the artic, there seems to be some agreement that the culprit is global warming.

42). Book Of Judas Finds Publisher; Record Wait Took 1700 Years
The Book of Judas, penned by the much maligned apostle himself, has finally found a publisher, at the end of a long search that ended at The National Geographic Society.

No, it’s not Random House or Knopf. But, hey, after a 1700-year wait, any publisher is bound to come as good news.

Now, Judas can at long last be assured that the world will know his side of the story, in which he portrays himself, as author’s are prone to do, in a much more favorable light than tradition has placed him.

43). Man Loses Memory; Shows Up At Emergency Room
A frantic businessman rushed into the emergency room, threw his attaché case on the reception desk, and exclaimed, “Nurse, I need help!”

The noise woke her up, and she said, “What?”

“This is an emergency!” he said.

“You’ll have to take your place in line,” she informed him.

“What line?” he replied, looking around. “The place is empty.”

“Oh,” she admitted, and held out her hand.

44). Medical Researcher Discovers Cause Of Asinine Behavior
There you are, talking to someone, who, you assume, is intelligent. Then, quite unexpectedly, he or she says something that makes you realize that, like it or not, you’re talking to an ass.

Now, a researcher believes he has accounted for the sudden turn of events. In an article in the prestigious New England Journal of Medical Hot Flashes, he explains that he at first intuited the probability of the upper body’s rotational capability and then did a study that involved observing people in an MRI while they talked.

45). Another Dracula, Another Flop
This week Warner Brothers joined the Walt Disney company in attempting to transform Broadway from a venue with a whisper of hope for social relevance into one that presents works that are the intellectual equivalent of Mickey Mouse caper.

If Disney could do it with, for example, The Lion King, why couldn’t Warner Brothers find a property to achieve Broadway fame and fortune with? Unfortunately, their imaginations never soared higher than redoing the Dracula legend, based on a contemporary author’s odd novelistic take on it.

46). Trout Season Opens: Fishermen Wade In, Trout Leap Out
Trout season opened once again on or about April 15th, which is about as early as winter’s icy topping breaks up and floats away from our waterways.

This year, as every year, fishermen by the thousands celebrated the occasion by wading in streams, creeks, and brooks to seek the wily residents. Feeling crowded by all the booted legs, the trout generally jumped onto the bank, to while away the day with frequent jests about the persist fools mulling about in the frigid water.

47). Crime Prevention And Horse Sense
The city of New York has discovered that using horses to help police the city is a boon of such magnitude that it has decided to double the number of equine public servants in its stable.

It seems that an officer on a horse is not only more visible and imposing. He’s even more likable.

A horse is also wonderfully inexpensive to maintain. As The New York Times reports, the dutiful subordinates require “$10 a day for hay, grain, and bedding material.

48). Hillary Clinton To Become Republican
Hillary Clinton, long famously popular among Democrats but obsessively excoriated by Republicans, has decided to turn the tables on her opponents by becoming one of them.

In an interview, Senator Clinton told us, “There’s an old political axiom that you never spend any time trying to get the votes you already have. So I decided I didn’t have to spend anymore time as a Democrat.

49). In Response To Miniaturization, Human Hands Get Smaller
Scientists report that human hands, which must currently struggle with ever smaller keypads and buttons on high-tech paraphernalia, have begun to grow smaller.

Unfortunately, the adaptation is not yet complete, and most human beings are still encumbered with normal-size hands. As a result, they must put up with a certain amount of infuriating digital clumsiness.

50). Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy
Iraqi insurgent groups, in secret talks with resourcefully pacifying President Jalal Talabani, admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days.

Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. Apparently,.

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