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Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Profile and Articles
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1). 100 Pounds Of Marijuana Found At Home Depot: Sold As Grass Seed
An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana.
Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.
2). The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins
The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida.
3). Just Say No To Sex
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.)
"They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
4). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate.
In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
5). Good Behavior Works: Ozone Hole Gets Smaller
Hey, good news! The ozone layer, which was getting thinner back in 1980, may be back, thick as ever, by the middle of the century, if we should live so long.
So get this: we’re not irretrievably doomed to annihilate ourselves. We can earn a reprieve through good behavior. At least, that’s what climate scientists claim.
Apparently, the protective layer.
6). PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous
As if it wasn’t enough that PBS, the bastion of culture at the broadcast level, fired the host of the toddlertainment, ‘The Good Night Show.’ Reason given: The sweet thing, by the name of Melanie Martinez, who is beloved by moms and kids alike, appeared in her ancient history as an actress in two videos spoofing public service announcements that advocate teenage sexual abstinence.
7). Tom Cruise Renounces Scientology; Becomes Muslim Fundamentalist
Tom Cruise, the biggest male box-office attraction in American cinema, that is, until he recently displayed a variety of astonishingly off-putting antics, has now taken another dramatic step in his imaginative quest to end his career, which was largely based on his once seemingly cute and innocent appeal.
Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
8). Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert To Islam
The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary.
9). Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
10). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill.
He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
11). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money.
To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates.
The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal.
One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
12). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom
Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions?
While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
13). John Updike Pens Novel, Called “Terrorist.” Critics Laud Originality
Adding another semiprecious stone to his distinguished crown as a royal purveyor of uneasy fictions, John Updike is touting the publication of his new novel, titled “Terrorist.”
Since you may be uncertain about the subject of the book, it’s about a young terrorist in, of all places, America.
In case you’re intrigued about whether Mr. Updike finds something sympathetic in his portrait of the terrorist, he certainly does.
14). Bigamist Begs For Life Imprisonment;Seeks Escape From 40 Wives
As you have no doubt read, the country’s leading bigamist – distinguished title, eh? – was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBI’s list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than themselves.
The much marrying minister, Warren Steed Jeffs, is the proud leader of a throwback known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
15). Bin Laden’s Garden Of Earthly Frights
What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out? Why, what else? He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables can’t reveal his whereabouts. They’re also unlikely to be covert members of the CIA.
And so we join Osama Bin Laden, as he tends the little plot of earth he can call his own, at least, until he is sent off to an unexpectedly sudden meeting with his Allah.
16). US Missile Defense Intercepts Seagull; Cheney Present As Backup
The Defense Department announced that our ever-vigilant military managed to intercept and shoot down a seagull over the Pacific. To assure a successful outcome, Dick Cheney was invited to observe the launch of the interceptor missile, as long as he brought along his quail gun to act as a backup to the missile.
The seagull reportedly crashed into the sea, and there are so far no reports from whales or other sea creatures of the shredded bird or debris from the intercepting missile crashing onto their unsuspecting backs.
17). Iran Accepts European Nuke Deal: Includes Instructions On How To Make An A-Bomb
European nations negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program initially offered the upstart threat a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming petulant, calling the offer a "colonial" insult and demanding to know if we think he’s “a child.”
Determined to reach an agreement in a way that would avoid the.
18). What? An Iranian With A Good Thought In His Cranium?
What do you know? There’s at least one Iranian who still has a good thought in his cranium? It appears that Mohmmad Khatami, the mullahland’s former Pres is just such a resilient and commendable gentleman.
During his two-week trip to the USA – interestingly, the mullahs behind the rascally current President allowed his visit and, not only that, our security personnel let him in – he wisely acknowledged, “In the crime of 9/11, two crimes were committed.
19). Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR's Basement
The Democratic Party, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party.
Apparently, they have finally grown alert to the inadequate support provided by the random planking that has been delivered to them by various political strategists – usually, they now see, not deeply resonating and indubitably ethical ideas, but hardly more than sound bytes based on evanescent hot topics.
20). Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable.
21). Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border
Mexican immigrants, upon hearing of President Bush’s intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty.
While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, exclaimed, “The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico.
22). The Da Vinci Code; This Year's Biblical Box-Office Bonanza
The Da Vinci Code is now off and running as this year’s megabuck Biblical controversy. Question is, why do we seem to be afflicted with such a nearly annual entity?
Slight thought reveals the obvious. Given the big numbers that a major studio has to turn to make a return on a movie, it’s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy bottom lines, consider the biggest subjects available.
23). Humanist Terrorists Nabbed In Miami; Planned To Plant Explosive Books
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries, was infiltrated by an FBI operative.
The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
24). Muslim Women Prepare Undercover Rebellion; Use Internet To Order Bikinis
Muslim women, condemned to wear, even when sandy temps soar, clothes that curiously resemble what nuns usually wore before they lightened up their outfits, are rumored to be preparing a rebellion that is scheduled for a date that is being kept under wraps until it breaks out, to the horror of Muslim men, in scant bikinis.
Order takers at online bikini retailers note an unprecedented surge in orders for the scanty attire from Muslim nations.
25). Prime Minister Of Iraq Visits Washington; Promises To Buy New Shaver
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki made his first visit to Washington, where he met with President Bush, who noted that, despite the Prime Minister’s efforts to shave every day, he has a persistently dark and generally unelectable stubble.
Mr. Maliki admitted the difficulty and agreed that he would make every effort to buy a new shaver.
In a later.
26). Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, “God has told me something else, and it’s something I didn’t want to hear. He said, ‘Pat, you lost your mind.’
“Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
27). Bush And Blair Admit Mistakes In Iraq; Vow To Continue
Meeting in Washington, Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush took to the podium to admit that everything in Iraq has not unfolded as they had hoped but the President insisted, “We've learned from our mistakes, and, if the past is any indication, we will continue to make them."
Prime Minister Blair added, “And you can be absolutely certain that we will continue to learn from them.
28). Luciano Pavarotti Loses Weight The Easy Way; He Had A Tumor Removed
A conspicuous aspect of Lucky Pavorotti’s extraondinary career as an astonishingly sweet- voiced opera singer has been his legendary but largely failed battle of bulges everywhere.
While he has had his weighty ups and downs, he has spent most of his career on the high up side – so much so that his knees have lately objected to supporting the rest of his gifted hulk.
29). Bush Vetoes Charcoal Grill Bill; Cites Carbon As Fundamental Component Of All Life
As expected, George Bush exercised his veto power and expunged the controversial Charcoal Grill Bill that the Senate and the House, growing wiser about the promise of science, bravely passed – without, however, enough votes to override his ill-considered flick of the pen. The bill would have allowed federal funding for barbeque research. It was the first veto of his presidency.
30). A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte:Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks
Among the world’s favorite operas, we find three of them with a libretto penned by Lorenzo Da Ponte and music by none other than the astonishingly delightful Viennese ear-confectioner Mozart. The list is a delight in itself: The Marriage of Figaro, Don Giovann, and Così Fan Tutte.
We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt,.
31). Playwrights Give Critic Bad Review
Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting?
A long-time critic for The Chicago Sun-Times reviewed some musicals that were works in progress at Theater Building Chicago, a venue that has been attempting to nourish the struggling art form for many years.
32). Theory Of Evolution Challenged By French Chef; Cites Role Of Food And Wine
While The Theory of Evolution has received numerous challenges since Darwin proposed it, none seems to have taken the scientific community with such devastating surprise as the theory recently proposed by a French Chef from Bordeaux.
The Chef, Andre Dumier, who operates a One Star Michelin restaurant just outside the city of Bordeaux, advanced the theory after contemplating what he considers the first requirement in the various stages of evolution – the availability of food.
33). Dolphins Know Each Other By Name; Also Play Poker On Saturday Night
Dolphins, which we already know are unusually bright, especially for mammals without arms or legs, are apparently even smarter than we suspected. In a recent study of dolphin behavior, it was determined that the clever mammals can make a series of squeals and squawks that another dolphin will recognize as his or her name.
What has not been widely reported is, the dolphins, once their ability to talk was discovered, were willing to engage in a far more detailed description of their plans.
34). Apple Opens Store On Border Near Tijuana; Considers It High Traffic Zone
Apple computer, fresh from opening a new retail store in the Big Apple, headed next to the Mexican border.
CEO Steve Jobs commented, “We want to have an Apple store wherever there are a lot of people, and it’s hard to think of a more likely location than the Mexican border just across from Tijuana. It's a real high-traffic zone. And when those Mexicans come running across, we want to be there to sell them an Apple product.
35). America May Import Biz Execs; Too Many Here In Jail
As the conviction of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling begins to lower the curtain on the Enron scandal, it has occurred in the now startlingly vacated halls of corporate America that so many execs are now in jail that the nation may have to start to importing its titans of business.
The possiblity has received a hearty welcome from abroad.
As one Chinese businessman commented, “It would be wonderful for a lot of Chinese to become American executives.
36). Surprise At Trial Of Saddam Hussein; Everybody Murdered Still Alive
The trial of Saddam Hussein took a surprising turn, when a witness stated that he had seen and talked with a number of the people the jocund dictator and his unrepentant henchmen are accused of killing during a crackdown in the rebellious village of Dujail.
The admission brought laughter of relief to the usually fretted face of Mr. Hussein and his cohorts, but not to the judge, who has been accused of fabricating the case.
37). Debate on Global Warming Reaches Hurricane Strength
As the hurricane season heats up, so has the debate about the extent to which the severity of recent hurricanes is due to to global warming.
Advocates howl that warmer ocean temperatures, which encourage the atmosphere to bestir itself, are due to an increase in heat-trapping greenhouse gases, while opponents bluster that the increase has not been proved to be due to human activity and may just be a seasonal variation.
38). Correctness As An Improvement Over Freedom
Can the urge to be correct ever qualify as an improvement over freedom?
If you listen to the current rhetoric of advocacy that thunders about from the halls of the Capitol to interviews from even the most remote corridors of the nation, you would think it has become an American value of far more consequence than the mere idea of individual freedom.
39). Iran Sees Promise In European Nuke Offer; Demands Free Pizza Delivery
European nuke negotiators presented their latest package of incentives to Iran, the renegade uranium enriching supporter of terrorism and irresponsible purveyor of bellicose vituperation, and were met with a surprising response. The mullah-dominated nation, while noting there were promising aspects to it, also demanded free pizza delivery.
The Iranian.
40). Frogs Flown From Frightful Fungus
Naturalists, noting the encroachment of a fungus on a rare breed of frog that would have wiped them out, went the extra mile to prevent their imminent extinction. They flew to the rain forest where the critters cowered, popped a few hundred healthy ones in boxes, and flew them back to preserves in the U. S.
We understand the frogs are chirping happily.
41). Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fourth installment; previous ones are presented below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
"But before I move on to the next section," Dr. Coburn told Dan, "let me point out that you actually have, not just three, but an entire armory of defensive words you can turn to.
42). Supreme Court Rules On Where Fish Can Swim
The Supreme Court ruled in favor of two Michigan land owners who maintained that fish had no right to swim in the water on their property and, as a result, the developers should be able to grace the wetlands with a shopping mall and a condominium.
Until now, the courts had generally maintained that fish have certain inalienable rights and that among them is the right to swim in and out of any waterway they can navigate.
43). Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns
Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the world’s billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes.
44). Uncle Sam’s Shaky Transition To Empire; Having The Right Strategy Should Would Help
Uncomfortable as we may be with the inadvertence, we have entered the age of The American Empire. We didn’t ask for it, but here it is, like an overgrown eagle that decided, surprisingly enough, to flap into our laps. The problem is, we don’t have a clue how to take hold of that confused bird and send it off on a long and majestic flight.
Right now what we’ve usually got are most of the right intentions but all of the wrong results.
45). Foiled Again! The Attack Of The Citizen Killers
Thanks to British intelligence, with a little help from a wise and noble Muslim informer, another attack by Al-Qaeda has been foiled. And just in the turban of time. As you know, the suspects had recently received a coded message from Pakistan, where the authorities were closing in on the criminal minds, to "attack now."
If our success rate at foiling Al-Qaeda’s demonic plots continues, this mad band of citizen killers may have to rename themselves Alibi.
46). Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras
The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats.
47). England Contemplates Drunk's Dilemma: To Stand Or Not To Stand?
England's tipple-till-you-topple pub culture faced a new dilemma, as police in Preston, Lancashire, decided that frequenters of the brew houses should sit down while they intoxicate themselves.
Why? After careful measurements, the authorities have determined that mates who are standing have a longer way to drop. So they're more likely to hurt themselves.
48). Kofi Annan, The Middle East Repairman; Can His Handiwork Keep The Peace?
Secretary-General Kofi Annan sped to the Middle East with his UN emergency repair kit to do maintenance work on the quick fix the UN implemented between Israel and Hezbollah. Only trouble is, his traveling handiwork doesn’t seem as much like the permanent fix as all the world would like to count on. Even while he was cobbling the warring factions together, his work looked more like duct tape that could unravel as quick as a speeding bullet.
49). Sex Surveys Of Teenagers Prove Inaccurate: Teens Tend To Become Virgins Again
The validity of surveys of teenage sexual behavior has recently been brought into serious question. While it has always been known that many members of the age group may exaggerate the extent of their sexual experiences, despite what their parents might think if they found out about the imagined delights, it has come to light that girls, as well as boys who wish to apply the nomenclature to themselves, who confessed that they had had sex in a previous survey responded in a subsequent survey that they were now virgins.
50). Avant Garde Composer Creates New Piece, Called Making Popcorn
An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.”
The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.
Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.
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