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Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Profile and Articles
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51). Avant Garde Composer Creates New Piece, Called Making Popcorn
An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.”
The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.
Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.
52). Happy Trails, America! But Where Are They?
Judging by the current national sentiment, Uncle Sam has once again wandered off the happy trails on which we’d prefer him to ride. But can we, just the usual joshing sidekick, possibly help him wend his way back through the tumbleweeds? Well, at least, we can give it a go.
To begin, let's ask how the most sagely free and prosperous nation can often.
53). Israeli Prime Minister Plays Good Guy; Palestinians Play Deaf
Responding to the plight of Palestinians in terms of healthcare, Prime Minister Ehud Olmert played good guy, in a voice that has too long been absent in the Middle East, saying that Israel would buy drugs and medical equipment for hospitals in Gaza, using funds it is withholding from tax and customs receipts it has collected for the Palestinians since Hamas came to power.
54). Clever Bil Clinton Gets $5 Million Advance For Book On His Charitable Work
Think whatever you might of William Jefferson Clinton, you have to give the ever-smiling overachiever credit.
He finds, in the lassitude of his post-Presidential years, a devoted and commendable calling to charity. And so canny is the man that he is able to extract a $5 million advance from Knopf to write a book about his benevolence.
While there have been many noble people who have given their lives to charitable acts, it is a rare person indeed who can find a way to make millions out of it.
55). New Instance Of American Ingenuity; Nation Learns To Type
Who would have thought, just ten or so years ago, that people in all walks of life would have to learn how to type, somehow?
Now, who doesn’t? We see the nervous airline reservation agent, searching the keypad for the next peck, the thick-fingered plumber tapping out his invoices, the uncertain exec coming to terms with the need to enter a notation – all manner of people who never imagined, way back when, that they should have taken a typing course.
56). Bush Seeks To Heal Rift With Hollywood; Schedules Lunch With Jane Fonda
President Bush, troubled by the decline in his approval ratings, has decided to make a frontal assault on Hollywood, a bastion of his disapproval ratings, by scheduling lunch with one of its most persistently adversarial spokespeople, Jane Fonda.
Mr. Bush said, “I look forward to meeting with Ms. Fonda. She’s said so many outrageous things about me over the years, it will be a real pleasure to break bread, as it were.
57). New Minicomputer Fits Under Graduation Ring
As computers grow ever more compact, a new breakthrough in miniaturization is hitting the shelves of computer stores that should have great appeal to graduates and their elated parents.
It’s a computer that’s so small it snaps under the stone of a typical graduation ring. So when purchasers need to go online or create a quick document, all they need do is slip off their graduation rings, snap off the computer, and get to work.
58). Human Population Surpasses 6.5 Billion; Other Species Protest
The dramatic increase in human population during the past century has resulted in humans encroaching more and more on the habitat of other animals. Until now, the other animals have continued to inhabit their various habitats wiithout taking offense.
Now it appears they’ve had enough. To express their displeasure, they recently mounted demonstrations worldwide, emerging from forests with placards, flopping onto beaches rambunctiously, and unduly squawking in urban parks.
59). Senate Takes Up Debate On Regular Marriage
The Senate, fresh from its rancorous but indecisive debate on a constitutional amendment that would have banned same-sex marriage, has now taken up debate on an amendment that would ban regular marriage.
A leading Republican senator stated, “When you consider how high the divorce rate is, you know there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there between men and women.
60). NetFlix Launches NetPlay; Delivers Live Cast Through Mail
Netflix, which until now has specialized in mailing DVD’s of movies to subscribers, has decided to broaden its offerings by launching a service called NetPlay, which will bring live theater to homes all across America. Since the heart and soul of theater is the excitement of a live performance, the service will ship a living, breathing cast to each home.
61). Venetian Painting At The National Gallery; Ravishingly Beautiful Visions of Religion And Nudity
The new show that is installed at The National Gallery of Art, “Bellini, Giorgione, Titian and the Renaissance of Venetian Painting,” presents us, not only with ravishing beauty, but with the vision of a time when apparently religion and nudity were easygoing companions. For instance, at one stroke of the brush, that genius of color, light, and form, Giorgione, could render “The Adoration of the Shepherds,” and with another stroke of his brilliance his "Portrait of a Woman," with her seductively bared breast.
62). Wimbledon Comes Out Swinging; Games Go On Even As England Mourns 7/7
One of the most winning things about spirits irrepressible is that they always come out swinging. And that resilient spirit was on prideful display at Wimbledon, which respectfully went its traditional way even as the people of London marked the dastardly bombing of the “tube” with sad but resolute hearts.
As expected, Roger Federer banished his Swedish opponent, Jonas Bjorkman, in the semifinals.
63). Finally, Something Green At Banks Besides Greenbacks
Until now, our perception of the occurrence of green in relation to banks has inevitably led us to the conclusion that the subject was greenbacks. Now, we learn, to our watchful pleasure, that another sort of green can mollify our usual love-hate relationship with major and minor financial institutions toward the more tranquil sentiment.
We learned,.
64). Smoking Gun In Cancer Revealed; It's The Smoking Throat
OK, smoke fans, the facts are out once again. According to the new and pretty inarguable Cancer Atlas and the updated Tobacco Atlas, which were published by The American Cancer Society, if "Smoky, The Scare" gets his way, tobacco use is projected to kill a billion people in this century. (By the way, wouldn't it be more reassuring if the word “Prevention” was in the Society's name?)
Now, that’s what we call recreational population control.
65). A Bomb For A Bomb And A Rocket For A Rocket; What Hath Terrorism Wrought But A New Code Of Hammurabi
Look far and wide, and what do we see? The most civilized nations, at least, the ones we've got at this point in our nascent human development, having made an uneasy accommodation to behavior that they would historically wretch at as downright repellent.
It’s none other than the law of Hammurabi, or tit for tat, writ in TNT.
So we arrive at the big question.
66). Make War As Make Nice; Israel’s Commendable But Costly Military Tactic
Has a nation every conducted a war like the one Israel waged against Hezbollah? Instead of the usual “war is hell,” it was more like an attempt to conduct war as make nice.
Now that a cease fire is in place, fragile as it may be, let's review the tactic and how it weathered the war.
Did we hear announcements from Israel anywhere remotely near “We will destroy you to the last man”?
No, instead we heard niceties like:
"… terrorist elements .
67). Demagoguery For Dummies: How To Convince People You’re A Saint,Despite Explosive Evidence To The Contrary
How can a demagogue who boasts of kidnapping and killing and whose woeful misjudgment has reined down death and destruction on his own country be hailed as a saint? Is this demagoguery for dummies or what?
How can the Lebanese people, proud descendants of the Phoenicians – first to trade widely on the Mediterranean and resourceful developers of our Arabic numerals – be completely duped by this inept practitioner of argumentum ad populum.
68). Old Man Potomac, He Just Keeps Rollin’ Along
Some days when we contemplate the divisive and deluded doings in DC, it helps to look away from the grandiose and revered buildings that have hosted our government since it was moved there from Philadelphia in 1800 and to contemplate the broad, green, and ever forward pushing Potomac, the generally placid river that just keeps rollin' through it.
Here.
69). Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide
A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time.
The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment.
70). Toyoto Introduces The Toy: The First Pedal Car For Adults
In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a child’s pedal car.
Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehicle can travel on one adult’s leg power.
The resourceful auto giant maintains that the encumbrance is not a drawback at all, because adults can change places at the wheel.
71). Rumsfeld No Media Maven; Admits Terrorists Better At Manipulating The News
My, my, in what nation does Donald Rumsfelf reside? Here he is, a privileged citizen in the land that created modern mass persuasion, aka advertising, bemoaning that terrorists are more adept at “manipulating the media” to influence Americans and other Westerners than the Pentagon, and he went on to confide, “That’s the thing that keeps me up at night….
72). Tony Blair To Resign As British PM; May Run For US Vice President
Tony Blair announced that he will step down as Prime Minister of England within a year and give up leadership of the Labor Party, which has been increasingly upset with his performance and approval ratings. What Mr. Blair did not announce is that he is just plain fed up with not being properly appreciated by his own party and nation, and he has conducted a secret poll of his popularity in the US.
73). Saddam Hussein Accused Of Crimes Against Ties
Saddam Hussein, now formally charged with crimes against humanity, is now faced with charges by irate tie makers.
“This man is guilty of killing the tie business,” a representative of the plaintiffs stated immediately after his arrival from New York’s garment district. “And the evidence is right before your eyes. Every day he shows up in court wearing a white shirt without a tie.
74). Enron Trial Goes To Jury; Ken Lay Doesn't Notice
The trial of the defendants in the collapse of Enron went to the jury, but it seems that Ken Lay, the chairman and principal defendant, didn’t notice.
A reporter asked him how such an important event escaped his attention.
“Well, to tell you the truth,” Mr. Lay said, “I hardly ever notice anything. I mean, I didn’t notice anything was wrong when Enron’s finances were going up in flames like an oil well on fire right outside my office window.
75). Europeans Press Iran; Present Cartoon Of Bombs Dropping On Nuclear Plants
European negotiators, intent on reaching a peaceful agreement with Iran about its controversial nuclear program, resorted to a tactic that has recently proven to be the most reliable way to elicit a response in much of the Muslim world.
Remembering the extraordinary reaction to Danish cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammad and, again last week, demonstrations.
76). Bright Side To Gas Prices; Americans Start To Read Price Signs
While Americans have traditionally paid little attention to the prices posted at gas stations, regardless of the enormity of the signs, the recent rise in gasoline prices has prompted many to start reading them almost as intently as they check out the numbers printed on their paychecks.
Noticing that customers are paying more attention to prices, and even comparison shopping, gas station operators have begun to accord the signs increased importance.
77). Taliban Asserts Control Of North Waziristan; Tourism Dips
The Taliban has reportedly asserted control of North Waziristan, the famously wild mountainous region of Pakistan that borders Afghanistan. As a result, tourism in the area has taken a decided dip.
As one American tourist commented, “I really like to visit places where television and music are forbidden. I’m also a big fan of summary executions. But, in the case of North Waziristan, I think I’ll make an exception.
78). Europeans Uncertain About Smoking Ban; Many Opt For Cancer
While Europeans generally support banning smoking in restaurants, many remain opposed to banning it in bars.
When interviewed, a British opponent of the ban said, “When I go to a pub, I like to smoke. I also like to inhale secondhand smoke. Then there’s the added benefit that the next day my clothes smell like an ashtray. So naturally I’m very much against banning it.
79). High Gas Prices May Spur Comeback Of Covered Wagon
Who would have thought, since Ford’s horseless carriage rolled off the assembly line, that the covered wagon might make a comeback? But then whoever thought that gas prices would burn through the world’s wallet the way they have been lately?
No wonder the vehicle of choice among the pioneers may soon be seen crowding the avenues of our modern metropolises,.
80). Bush Meets Maliki. May Trade Jobs.
President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bush’s approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.
81). Al-Qaeda in Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?
In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawi’s job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.
82). Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted “We are hungry!”
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza.
83). Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne
A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too.
Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters.
84). Bush Sets Aside Hawaii As Nature Preserve; Inhabitants Head For California
One thing you can say about George Bush, when the man decides to do something, his guiding principle does not appear to be moderation, whether it’s an ill-advised constitutional amendment, a questionable war, or an immoderate nature preserve, in this case, the state of Hawaii.
The area is home to diverse species and certainly merits protection. Unfortunately, among the species were a significant number of long-time inhabitants called Hawaiians.
85). Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too
Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As.
86). 300-Hundred Pound Bear Flees 10-Pound Cat
What happens when you're a 10-pound cat, cavorting in your backyard, and a 300-pound black bear decides to cavort there, too?
If you're a cat named Jack, you attack the bear. At least, that's what a tabby cat by that name did when confronted by the significantly larger presence.
The bear was so startled by the rampaging tabby that it climbed high up a tree for protection and hung on with frightened mien while Jack sat below on guard, until the police arrived and anesthetized the bear, to transport it to safer territory.
87). Condoms Block Virus Harmful To Women; Opponents Now Look Even Sillier
A study reported in The New England Journal of Medicine that the consistent use of condoms protects woman against human papillomavirus, which causes cervical and other female cancers, along with warts.
The study, which was conducted among eager students at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that women whose male partners used condoms every time had less than half the rate of infection as women whose partners used the prophylactics less than 5 percent of the time.
88). What's Entertainment? Intellectuals Debating The Merits And Demerits Of Economic Freedom
Today, few things are more entertaining than observing the continuing debate among intellectuals about the merits and demerits of economic freedom.
What is the cause of the levity? Most of the opinion is decidedly about the demerits of economic freedom, with a pronounced preference for any form of governmental supervision that would supposedly assure the equitable distribution of material wealth.
89). Nuclear Panhandling; North Korea And Iran Seek To Trade Threats Of Oblivion For Alms
Remember nuclear blackmail? Apparently, North Korea and Iran have refined the practice into outright panhandling. Let’s indulge, with a not entirely charitable examination, this new and nettlesome version of “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”
Standing on the most conspicuous street corners the two beggarly brats can manage in our minds, they proffer their illicit cups in quest of alms, while they wiggle their nascent nuclear capabilities at our noses.
90). Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How!
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the sixth installment; previous ones are presented on this site or below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.)
"Good. You won’t be sorry. She knows the material very nearly as well as I do.” With that, he handed Dan the issue of Playboy, and said, “Review the material while I get her.
91). Microsoft Postpones Plan To Introduce At Least One Original Idea
Imagine the complexities, not to mention the complexes, attendant to being the world’s largest software manufacturer when your principal original idea so far has been a cheaper price than Apple?
Microsoft may well qualify as the American company to achieve the most success without introducing to the needy world at least one original idea, unless, of course, a low-down price can be construed as such a welcome contribution.
92). Pirates of the Caribbean Sails Into Theaters; Fans Hail Relevance To Modern Life
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, sailed into theaters in search of box-office treasure with skull and crossbones flying as the second episode in what will be three or more installments of this forthrightly commercial tale of a pirate king and a pirate chaser.
And, in W. S. Gilbert’s gleeful couplet, for Johnny Depp apparently “It is, it is a jolly good thing to be a pirate king.
93). Chinese Hope To Make British Car That Works
Remember the MG? Worse yet, did you ever own one? Then cower in fear. The Chinese bought the MG brand name and are about to open a plant to build the malfunctioning suckers in Oklahoma.
The Nanjing Automobile Group, which acquired bankrupt MG Rover Group last year, plans to be the first Chinese automaker to open a factory in the US. The product will be called the MG TF Coupe and will be out in 2008.
94). Mickey Spillane Takes His Final Hammer Blow
Mickey Spillane, the gangsta writer and creator Mike Hammer, just took his own final Hammer blow.
He went from writing comic books to writing, as you know, the most popular detective novels of his day.
The thin thrillers were packed with macho bravado, fast fists, the direct sex championed by his indelicately named hero, Mike Hammer. Well, at least Mickey had the discretion to refrain from giving him the possible middle name of "Sledge.
95). Hezbollah Stars In Middle East’s First Polish Joke
Talking about dying for dumbbells. Here we have Hassan Nasrallah, the head of Hezbollah, admitting he assured Lebanese government officials that kidnapping Israeli soldiers was the only way to gain freedom for Hezbollah prisoners and that such a step would not provoke Israel to anything but the usual offer to trade hostages for prisoners. And while thousands of Lebanese citizens flee and hundreds die, the idiot keeps showing up smiling like Alfred E.
96). States Fund Stem-Cell Research; Scientists Trade In Tin Cups For Test Tubes
What do you know? In reaction to George Bush’s Neolithic mindset against stem-cell research, not one but two governors have come forward to fund the newborn science – the surprisingly enlightened Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Hollywood state and Rod Blagojevich in the Chicago state.
In fact, in the wake of the stem-cell veto by the Pres, Governor Schwarzenegger immediately lent $150MM from his state’s treasury for grants to stem-cell scientists and vowed that California would lead the way in the science.
97). Oil Update From BP: A Bear Ate The Pipeline
Earlier reports that BP closed its Alaska pipeline due to corrosion have turned out to be erroneous. The company, noticing growing rancor that it would allow such a vital link to corrode to the point of desuetude, altered its story, saying that subsequent examination revealed that the leaks were due to a grizzly bear that ate the pipeline.
While BP.
98). France and America Agree On An Issue; Both Nations Declare National Holiday
Mark this date on your calendar: August 8, 2006. It was on this day that the rarest diplomatic event of modern times took place. France and America agreed on something, specifically, the wording of the resolution before the UN on the cessation of hostilities between Israel and Hezbollah.
Since the event is unlikely to be replicated in the foreseeable.
99). Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude
Mohammed One raised his hands toward where he thought heaven might be, and wailed, “I can’t stand it anymore! Allah, have mercy!”
But the sky, flame-streaked and smoky, remained unresponsive. So he sank to his knees and began to weep, but the ground was so hot it blistered his knees instantly and he screamed and leaped to his feet again. At least, when he was upright his sneakers could cushion the heat at what he had always understood as the opposite of the heaven of his dreams, that is, hell, also eternity’s ground zero for grievous sinners.
100). The Case Of The Terrorist Violin
Now that terrorism, not fear of flying, has become the primary anxiety in the air, some of the most inconvenienced among travelers are classical musicians, attempting to fly from one worldwide concert hall to another one, while their suspect Stradivari are scanned and prodded or they’re urged to check their instruments.
Certainly, if security personnel.
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