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Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Profile and Articles
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151). Just Say No To Sex. Dr. Coburn Shows You How
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the third installment; previous ones are available on this site and presented below each new installment at NewsLaugh, in case you miss one or more.)
He closed it, thought for a moment, and recomposed himself. Then he walked to the bookshelf, took down another copy of his work, autographed it, and headed for the den with it.
152). Upstart Palestinian Group Urges Israel To Keep Hamas Government; They Don't Want It Anymore
An admittedly small upstart group of Palestinians, comparing the quality of their governance with the orderly procedures in Israel, have decided the best thing that can happen to them is to give up on their own government.
As a result, they are asking Israel to keep the members of the Hamas government the Israelis arrested in response to the kidnapping of an Israeli soldier by militants.
153). Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fifth installment; previous ones are presented on this site or at newslaugh.com below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
Then he headed for the door, as Melanie went upstairs. He drew it open, and said, “Dan, my boy, come in.”
“Thank you, Dr. Coburn.”
“How are things going?”
“Great! Just great!”
“Excellent,” Dr.
154). Studies Show Teenage Drinking Kills Brain Cells; Oh, That Explains Everything
We always knew teens often walk a bit on the wild side, and we had the inclination to misbehave abundantly ourselves.
Now we know at least part of the reason for our wiliness.
Studies suggest that alcohol causes more damage to the developing brains of teenagers than researchers previously thought and injures them more than it does adult brains. The research also suggests that heavy teen drinking may undermine the neurological connections needed to avoid alcoholism.
155). Iraq Opens Suicide Bomber Range; Calls It Twice-Blessed Paradise Express
In an effort to reduce the loss of life and limb by suicide bombers, the Iraqi government has opened a suicide bomber range. The government's intention is to encourage all those who are determined to carry out such an explosive termination to execute the insane plan in a way that is being hailed as twice-blessed.
The government maintains that it will.
156). Clever Monkey Of The Week: Tony Blair, for having an independent thought just in time to save face
There was Tony Blair, responding to George Bush’s down-home greeting, “Yo, Blair!” and engaging in what appeared to be a transparently deferential conversation about doings in the Middle East.
As all the world knows by now, the mike, unbeknownst to them, was still on. The London papers had a field day mocking what they were a bit overly eager to portray as Mr.
157). Mel Gibson Undergoes Rehab; Has Brain Removed
As you know, Mel Gibson pretty much crucified his career with the volley of imbecilic prejudices he let fly when he was arrested for driving under the influence of tequila.
As soon as he regained his sobriety, a repentant Mr. Gibson stated, "I've considered the idiotic things I said and realize my brain is hopeless. Not only has it prompted me to make moronically insensitive movies; now it has allowed me to say disgracefully stupid things.
158). Joe Lieberman Loses Democratic Primary; Republicans Celebrate
Poor Joe Lieberman – how fallen from grace is he and in such a sudden way. Just six years ago, the Democratic candidate for Vice President, today he finds himself unable to persuade his party to reelect him to a fourth term in the Senate.
And, as lousy luck would have it, he lost the Democratic primary just days before the disruption of the horrific terrorist plan to detonate ten passenger-packed planes flying between London and New York.
159). Bye, Bye, Boob Tube
It appears that the boob tube is about to go the way of the 8-track. The cathode TV tube, at which the nation has stared in semi-comatose neglect for over 60 years, is on its way to becoming just one more obsolete wreck in the relentless forward march of high tech.
“After the holidays, the days of picture-tube TVs are gone,” said the TV buyer for Costco.
160). Mike Wallace, The Clever Monkey of the Week, attempts to increase interest in an interview by calling the madman of Iran “impressive”
After what we are told was a long pursuit of the unfortunate interview, Mike Wallace was finally summoned to Tehran for a meeting with the resident madman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Once there, he waited an impolite week for an audience with the blustery Mahmoud, The Magnificent.
We learn that Mike has been in pursuit of an interview with the culprit for so long that Ahmadinejad had to remind him when the impertinence began.
161). Time For America To Bring Down The Curtain On The Ballet Frankenstein
It’s time for the USA to resolve, once and for, to bring down the curtain on international conduct so clumsy it can be seen, not as dexterous, but as the ballet Frankenstein.
Time to remember that ninety-nine percent of our practically usable power comes out of the barrel of a cash machine, so we concentrate on being the economic superpower we know how to be, not the military superpower we aren’t ruthless enough to be.
162). OK, The House Is On Fire. Which One Do You Save First -- The Baby, The Old Testament, The New Testament, Or The Koran?
Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny.
Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision.
Let’s say you pick one of the books. What will the people, who happen to.
163). Iran Provides “Multifaceted Response” To UN: Launches Ten Missiles
Iran provided its long-promised “multi-faceted” response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction.
Of course, the West had hoped.
164). Senate Offers Outlet For Bipartisan Feuding: Will Install Boxing Ring
The Senate, recently more rancorous than usual in terms of bipartisan backbiting, decided to offer an outlet for the aggressive behavior by voting to install a boxing ring. In an effort to allow for the widespread lack of physical conditioning, all fights will be limited to one round.
The first fight scheduled is between the outspoken liberal Democrat from Massachusetts, Senator Edward Kennedy, and the feisty Republican who hails from the state of Tennessee, Bill Frist.
165). If Embryos Could Talk
An embryo was relaxing when a female clinician approached the little glass dish in which it was defrosting after a long time in the freezer.
The embryo noticed her approach and exclaimed, “Whoopee, do I get implanted now? I can’t wait to grow up and become a real person!”
“No such luck,” the researcher told the embryo.
“What do you mean? I’ve been in cold storage for months, and now you’re telling me I don’t get to move up to becoming a baby?”
“I’m sorry,” the lady researcher said, “but we already implanted your sister.
166). Saddam Hussein’s Defense Attorneys Admit Genocide But Insist It’s OK
In the trial of Saddam Hussein for genocide, he and his lawyers apparently decided that playing dumb and asking, “What 180,000 Kurds?” would unlikely prove to be a credible defense. So they cleverly decided to admit to the dastardly act of genocide through chemistry, while maintaining that it’s OK.
One witness, after describing the blindness the chemical weapons caused, said, “May God blind them all.
167). Farewell To The World’s Favorite Croc Jock
Here’s to Steve Irwin, the world's favorite croc jock, who entertained us with his ebullient pursuit of the reluctant crocs, pythons, and assorted non-human inhabitants of the earth.
How inappropriate it seems that he met his terminus as the result of an encounter with a stingray gone wrong. We would have thought his comeuppance would have resulted from the lucky snap by a disgruntled croc.
168). The Complete Melodious Mo And A Way To Go
If you’re a fan of Mozart – and what lover of classical music isn't? – here’s melodic news and a cheerful way to pay.
A Dutch label called Brilliant Classics has just come out with a bargain edition of The Complete Works of Mozart. Since the composer is indubitably the Viennese confectioner of the world’s most delectable ear candy, you may long to have the complete edition, even if you’ll have to listen to hours of baby bonbons.
169). Dunce And For All
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came out, dunce and for all, about the proper conduct of a university and its head, saying, "Today, students should shout at the president and ask why liberal and secular university lecturers are present in the universities."
To justify his abridgement of intellectual excellence, he recounted his lifelong self-study as an amateur astronomer, saying, "As a dimwit, I've observed the sky with special interest, and I noticed a long time ago that the moon and stars only shine when the sun is gone.
170). FED Raises Interest Rates, Except On Existing Mortgages
The Federal Reserve took the unusually considerate step of raising the interest rate again while providing that banks could not raise the mortgage rates on people who already have mortgages with them.
While the banks called foul, the new head of the Fed commented, “I think it’s time to be forthright about how the Fed manages the economy and the consequences of it.
171). Apple Sued Over Logo By Apple Farmer
Apple Computer, having recently won a suit brought by Apple Rrecords, the company founded by the Beatles, was surprised to find itself immediately dragged back into court to face a challenge by an incensed New York apple farmer.
“What do these boys mean,” the farmer went on, “claiming they own a picture of an apple with a bite out of it?” Gesturing.
172). Iranian President Ahmadinejad Sits Right Down And Pretends To Write Bush A Letter
Last week, upstart Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmandinejad sat right down and, ostensibly, wrote George Bush a letter, in which he lectured him on the evils of “freedom and democracy,” while pontificating about his own nation’s right to have nuclear energy but only for peaceful purposes.
How gullible does he think the rest of the world is? Is the unaware.
173). Nominee Insists CIA Must Get Out Of The News: No Secret Agents Left
Four-Star General Michael Hayen, in confirmation hearings before the Senate, insisted that it’s time for the CIA “to get out of the news.” He went on to explain, “We’re supposed to be a secret outfit but between illegal disclosures of our members, hearings about how we’re handling things, and nominations, we don’t have any secret agents left.”
In response.
174). Italian Man Asks Wrong Question About Christ; Court Agrees To Hear Case
As you know, an Italian gentleman has challenged the Catholic Church to prove that Christ existed, and, while the case was, somewhat expectedly, tossed out in an Italian court, the plaintiff, undaunted, found a court in Strasbourg that has agreed to hear it. It remains to be revealed who the Catholic Church will designate to defend its historical foundation.
175). New Dracula Musical To Close, Except On Nights With Full Moon
Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. It’s closing.
The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon.
Marking the debut of Warner Brothers in the theater.
176). America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed
If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedom’s fading star, it’s somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians don’t completely get the nod, because they’re still camped out on reservations.
We might see the persistent refusal to accept “I’m an American” as a recognized nationality, at least on the home front, as a consonant reflection of our mixed and matched heritage.
177). New U. S. Military Tactic To Quell Unrest In Iraq; Will Drop IQ Test On Insurgents
The U. S., continuing to be troubled by the insurgency in Iraq, has decided to quell it by giving the insurgents an IQ test. The plan is to drop it from the sky as a leaflet. Meeting NewsLaugh's request with its usual candor, the military has given us an advance copy of the test, along with permission to publish four questions before the date of the drop.
178). Sex Change Procedure Creates New Species, Neither All Male Nor All Female
Due to a revolutionary procedure, an entirely new species of human is now afoot on the earth – neither all male nor all female. And people who have undergone the procedure seem delighted.
A mostly female member of the species confided, “When you become a new species, it changes your whole outlook. I’m no longer really flamingly female or, for that matter, flamingly male.
179). Getty Museum Decides To Donate Its Building To Italy
The J. Paul Getty Trust has agreed to return "significant objects" to Italy from its collection of Etruscan and Roman art, including "several masterpieces." It appears that many objects in the museum were looted from Italy and made their way to the museum though illicit dealers.
To facilitate a settlement with Italy over its claims to antiquities in the Getty Museum, the trust also agreed to donate its building to Italy.
180). Airhead Behavior Becomes New Human Norm As Underachievement Reaches New Heights
Today, look high and low, and what do you see? Airhead behavior – in fact, so much of it that it’s threatening to become the new human norm. What is going on here? And can we find hope anywhere?
Yes. Where, you may ask? We’ll take a look.
But to infuse the proceedings with appropriate levity, let’s first present NewsLaugh’s Ten Slams For New Heights In Underachievement.
181). Freedom’s Walk. Narrower But Better Than Seeing It Blown Up
Today Americans, who hope to stand for freedom to an expectant world, enjoy it along a narrower walk than ever. In fact, sometimes it seems as if we have to scrunch our shoulders together to keep going and at times turn to the side to slip on by.
Why have the guardrails encroached with such uncomfortable persistence? Primarily, but not exclusively, because of the new privileges the government has assumed in order to conduct the ever-looming war on terror.
182). Radical Muslims Run Afoul Of Kant’s Categorical Imperative
As if the Muslim religion didn’t have enough problems in the often less than mutually tolerant text of the Koran, now its radical exponents have run afoul of Kant’s ever-present Categorical Imperative.
How?
As Muslim murders Muslim, the warring Sunnis and Shiites each maintain that their religion lends support to their bloody sectarianism. To the.
183). Ken Lay Times Heart Attack Just Right; Foils Government's Plan To Seize Assets
Just as Ken Lay was about to be sentenced to twenty-five years or so in the clinker and his remaining assets were about to be seized by the government, he had a fatal heart attack.
While we are saddened by the fatal vascular accident, we cannot but help notice that he couldn’t have timed it more deftly.
Now the government’s case will likely be dismissed, preserving his family and heirs from having the relatively few millions that remain in his once overstuffed treasure chest being subject to the long arm of the law.
184). Mammoths Prefer Blondes. Or Is It Brunettes?
Ever since childhood we have pictured mammoths as wooly dark presences, lumbering through eternities of driving snow with sullen intent, but once again the cherished iconography of our youth must give way to new research, which indicates, of all things, that mammoths may have stumbled along in a variety of hair colors – not only the traditionally imagined dark brown/black but also blonde and even red.
185). In Mogadishu, Coke Is Branded As The Infidel Thing
Islamic militants who have taken over in Mogadishu and dropped the dark veil of medievalism over the minds of the citizenry have branded Coca-Cola as un-Islamic.
A hard-line sheik has declared that Westerners are enemies of Islam and their products should not be consumed.
The man has followers. One, who owns a tea shop, said, "Out of ignorance, I was selling and drinking Coca-Cola, but now I hate it so much.
186). Unloved In Iraq:George Bush Gets Jilted For Another Shiite
It seems that America’s only optimist in regard to Iraq is beginning to feel unloved by the people he hoped to bring freedom and democracy to, much like a distressed lover who has proffered a box of chocolates, only to find that the object of his affections is allergic to chocolate. Or, worse yet, that she prefers the mix of chocolates offered to her by a detested rival.
187). Foreign Goes American: Muslim Students In USA Memorize The Koran
You can never guess what you’ve got in the melting pot. Turns out that in the very heart of the borough of Queens, NY, Muslim youths are trundling off to the mosque to memorize, verse by verse, the most controversial text of the times. How are we to regard this seemingly dangerous activity?
A closer look at the kids who are condemned to the practice affords some assurance that they will place the orthodoxy at a comfortable distance as they attain some perspective on its content.
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