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Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Profile and Articles
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1). 100 Pounds Of Marijuana Found At Home Depot: Sold As Grass Seed
An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana.
Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.
2). 1940's Book Has Belated Debut; Reveals America In War That Felt Right
Critics cheered the publication of a conditionally new book, The American Home Front, penned by Alistair Cooke, most widely known as the host of Masterpiece Theater but earlier on an innovative British journalist.
The tome, written in the early 1940s, provides a portrait of America gearing up for World War II, which none too few consider the last war the country entered that the populace felt generally right about.
3). 300-Hundred Pound Bear Flees 10-Pound Cat
What happens when you're a 10-pound cat, cavorting in your backyard, and a 300-pound black bear decides to cavort there, too?
If you're a cat named Jack, you attack the bear. At least, that's what a tabby cat by that name did when confronted by the significantly larger presence.
The bear was so startled by the rampaging tabby that it climbed high up a tree for protection and hung on with frightened mien while Jack sat below on guard, until the police arrived and anesthetized the bear, to transport it to safer territory.
4). A Bomb For A Bomb And A Rocket For A Rocket; What Hath Terrorism Wrought But A New Code Of Hammurabi
Look far and wide, and what do we see? The most civilized nations, at least, the ones we've got at this point in our nascent human development, having made an uneasy accommodation to behavior that they would historically wretch at as downright repellent.
It’s none other than the law of Hammurabi, or tit for tat, writ in TNT.
So we arrive at the big question.
5). A Cialis A Day Keeps The Uncertainty Away
The maker of Cialis will apply to the FDA for approval of a once-a-day version of its ED treatment. The company maintains that a daily dose will allow the benefactor to enjoy more spontaneous delight than he can with what the manufacturer refers to as its "on demand" version.
The company maintains that side effects of the new dosage are mild and consist primarily of an inexplicable bulge in the pantaloons.
6). A Life Of Lorenzo Da Ponte:Talent Flies; Practical Reason Walks
Among the world’s favorite operas, we find three of them with a libretto penned by Lorenzo Da Ponte and music by none other than the astonishingly delightful Viennese ear-confectioner Mozart. The list is a delight in itself: The Marriage of Figaro, Don Giovann, and Così Fan Tutte.
We learn in the new book, The Librettist of Venice, by Rodney Bolt,.
7). Abbas Finds Way To Move Two-State Solution Ahead And Let Hamas Off Hardline Hook
Palistinian President Mahmoud Abbas cleverly found a way to get a two-state resolution before the Palestinian people to move his agenda ahead while providing a way for Hamas to get off its hard-line hook
In an innovative and daring announcement, he said that if he could not reach an agreement with Hamas within ten days, he would put the referendum.
8). About Time: Somali Woman Flogs Islamic Leader
An Islamic woman in Mogadishu finally did it: she inflicted eleven lashes on an Islamic leader for threatening to flog her for selling cannabis.
To justify the intended flogging of the woman before she turned on the male who had ordered it, the rulers pointed to a passage in the Koran that forbids the sale of all drugs except aspirin and antacids.
He.
9). Airhead Behavior Becomes New Human Norm As Underachievement Reaches New Heights
Today, look high and low, and what do you see? Airhead behavior – in fact, so much of it that it’s threatening to become the new human norm. What is going on here? And can we find hope anywhere?
Yes. Where, you may ask? We’ll take a look.
But to infuse the proceedings with appropriate levity, let’s first present NewsLaugh’s Ten Slams For New Heights In Underachievement.
10). Al-Qaeda In Hell, Or Allah’s Surprising Ingratitude
Mohammed One raised his hands toward where he thought heaven might be, and wailed, “I can’t stand it anymore! Allah, have mercy!”
But the sky, flame-streaked and smoky, remained unresponsive. So he sank to his knees and began to weep, but the ground was so hot it blistered his knees instantly and he screamed and leaped to his feet again. At least, when he was upright his sneakers could cushion the heat at what he had always understood as the opposite of the heaven of his dreams, that is, hell, also eternity’s ground zero for grievous sinners.
11). Al-Qaeda in Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?
In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawi’s job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.
12). America May Import Biz Execs; Too Many Here In Jail
As the conviction of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling begins to lower the curtain on the Enron scandal, it has occurred in the now startlingly vacated halls of corporate America that so many execs are now in jail that the nation may have to start to importing its titans of business.
The possiblity has received a hearty welcome from abroad.
As one Chinese businessman commented, “It would be wonderful for a lot of Chinese to become American executives.
13). America: Still So Young No Americans Allowed
If sometimes, weighed down with the complexities of uneasy empire, we perchance wonder if America could be freedom’s fading star, it’s somewhat reassuring to realize that the nation is so young it still does not recognize the existence of Americans. Even the Indians don’t completely get the nod, because they’re still camped out on reservations.
We might see the persistent refusal to accept “I’m an American” as a recognized nationality, at least on the home front, as a consonant reflection of our mixed and matched heritage.
14). Ancient Mayan Mummy Proves A Tattoo Is Forever
Evidence of the extraordinary longevity of tattoos has finally been discovered, in a mummified Mayan female whose panoramic tattoos have lasted almost two thousand years.
Tattoo artists were ecstatic at the discovery, immediately citing the mummy as proof that once you’re lucky enough to have a tattoo, you can forget about upkeep.
On the other hand, those who have decorated themselves with tattoos but in later years regretted the colorful self-mutilation, were widely distressed by the discovery.
15). Apple Opens Store On Border Near Tijuana; Considers It High Traffic Zone
Apple computer, fresh from opening a new retail store in the Big Apple, headed next to the Mexican border.
CEO Steve Jobs commented, “We want to have an Apple store wherever there are a lot of people, and it’s hard to think of a more likely location than the Mexican border just across from Tijuana. It's a real high-traffic zone. And when those Mexicans come running across, we want to be there to sell them an Apple product.
16). Apple Sued Over Logo By Apple Farmer
Apple Computer, having recently won a suit brought by Apple Rrecords, the company founded by the Beatles, was surprised to find itself immediately dragged back into court to face a challenge by an incensed New York apple farmer.
“What do these boys mean,” the farmer went on, “claiming they own a picture of an apple with a bite out of it?” Gesturing.
17). Audit Report on Katrina Debit Cards; Some Recipients Swam In Champagne
A federal audit on the spending proclivities of people who were issued debit cards by FEMA during the Katrina disaster indicates that some of them were swimming in champagne – and good stuff, too.
Among the survival rations that were purchased, we find a $200 bottle of champagne, used as a life-saving device at the hurricane shelter known as Hooters.
18). Avant Garde Composer Creates New Piece, Called Making Popcorn
An American avant garde composer, who takes his inspiration from the most upstart composers of recent times, had a piece performed last night at Carnegie Hall, titled “Making Popcorn.”
The Boston Pops Orchestra, which commissioned the piece, left the stage to make way for the performance.
Stagehands then wheeled out a popcorn-making machine and prepared it for the performance by filling it with dry corn, butter, and salt.
19). Barry Bonds Breaks Ruth's Homer Record; Bat Tested For Steroids
Barry Bonds finally smacked the homer that broke Babe Ruth’s revered tally. Umpires immediately checked his bat for the presence of steroids.
Bonds, who has often been accused of employing the performance enhancers but never convicted of the practice, was both cheered and jeered as he rounded the bases.
Since he has never been convicted of taking steroids, one wonders if all the accusations are unjustified.
20). Bible Belt May Finally Consent To A Belt Of Booze
73 years after the end of Prohibition, the Bible Belt still won’t consent to a belt of booze. But change seems to be brewing.
It appears that the usual reformers of restraints to trade, that is, businessmen at the local and national level, even including Wal-Mart, are getting together to see if they can get these astringent enclaves to permit the sale of the recreational inebriant.
21). Bigamist Begs For Life Imprisonment;Seeks Escape From 40 Wives
As you have no doubt read, the country’s leading bigamist – distinguished title, eh? – was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBI’s list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than themselves.
The much marrying minister, Warren Steed Jeffs, is the proud leader of a throwback known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
22). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate.
In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
23). Bill Gates to Devote Life To Charity; Make Money And You Can, Too
Bill Gates announced that he will transition out of his day-to-day role at Microsoft by July 2008 in order to spend more time working on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which focuses on global health and education.
His announcement reminded us of the plethora of graduation speeches that eager students imbibed across the land this spring. As.
24). Bin Laden Sighted In Karachi; May Turn Self In
Reports of Osama Bin Laden’s whereabouts took a new turn this week when a Pakistani woman reported sighting a tall man in a white robe with matching turban hit his head on a low doorway.
The woman's suspicions about the identity of the man were further aroused when she noticed the entrance led to a recording studio.
So as not to create suspicion, she approached him without revealing who she thought he might be.
25). Bin Laden’s Garden Of Earthly Frights
What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out? Why, what else? He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables can’t reveal his whereabouts. They’re also unlikely to be covert members of the CIA.
And so we join Osama Bin Laden, as he tends the little plot of earth he can call his own, at least, until he is sent off to an unexpectedly sudden meeting with his Allah.
26). Bright Side To Gas Prices; Americans Start To Read Price Signs
While Americans have traditionally paid little attention to the prices posted at gas stations, regardless of the enormity of the signs, the recent rise in gasoline prices has prompted many to start reading them almost as intently as they check out the numbers printed on their paychecks.
Noticing that customers are paying more attention to prices, and even comparison shopping, gas station operators have begun to accord the signs increased importance.
27). Bush And Blair Admit Mistakes In Iraq; Vow To Continue
Meeting in Washington, Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush took to the podium to admit that everything in Iraq has not unfolded as they had hoped but the President insisted, “We've learned from our mistakes, and, if the past is any indication, we will continue to make them."
Prime Minister Blair added, “And you can be absolutely certain that we will continue to learn from them.
28). Bush Meets Maliki. May Trade Jobs.
President Bush made a secret trip to Iraq to meet with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to assure him that the U. S. will continue to support efforts to stabilize and rebuild Iraq. Mr. Maliki thanked him and assured him that he would do everything to increase President Bush’s approval ratings. After further discussions, the two leaders agreed that the best way to accomplish both goals may be to exchange jobs.
29). Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon Back To Launching Pad
Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated flight of North Korea’s errant but someday, they hope, long-range Taepodong 2 missile – a name that, should the nation ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesn’t sound like a very promising appellation for a new car.
In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, “We’ve got a missile defense system that will defend our country.
30). Bush Seeks To Heal Rift With Hollywood; Schedules Lunch With Jane Fonda
President Bush, troubled by the decline in his approval ratings, has decided to make a frontal assault on Hollywood, a bastion of his disapproval ratings, by scheduling lunch with one of its most persistently adversarial spokespeople, Jane Fonda.
Mr. Bush said, “I look forward to meeting with Ms. Fonda. She’s said so many outrageous things about me over the years, it will be a real pleasure to break bread, as it were.
31). Bush Sets Aside Hawaii As Nature Preserve; Inhabitants Head For California
One thing you can say about George Bush, when the man decides to do something, his guiding principle does not appear to be moderation, whether it’s an ill-advised constitutional amendment, a questionable war, or an immoderate nature preserve, in this case, the state of Hawaii.
The area is home to diverse species and certainly merits protection. Unfortunately, among the species were a significant number of long-time inhabitants called Hawaiians.
32). Bush Vetoes Charcoal Grill Bill; Cites Carbon As Fundamental Component Of All Life
As expected, George Bush exercised his veto power and expunged the controversial Charcoal Grill Bill that the Senate and the House, growing wiser about the promise of science, bravely passed – without, however, enough votes to override his ill-considered flick of the pen. The bill would have allowed federal funding for barbeque research. It was the first veto of his presidency.
33). Bye, Bye, Boob Tube
It appears that the boob tube is about to go the way of the 8-track. The cathode TV tube, at which the nation has stared in semi-comatose neglect for over 60 years, is on its way to becoming just one more obsolete wreck in the relentless forward march of high tech.
“After the holidays, the days of picture-tube TVs are gone,” said the TV buyer for Costco.
34). Carbon Dioxide Builds Up In Atmosphere; Makes Running Bases Harder
While the buildup of greenhouse gases, particularly carbon dioxide, may be welcome news for plants, which, of course, breathe it in and breathe out oxygen, the benefits are not so apparent to human beings, particularly athletes, especially during the summer, which is, of course, the height of the baseball season.
The boys of summer are discovering that the mere effort of rounding the bases is becoming exhausting, with many having to pause at every base and pant.
35). Chavez On US Oil Find In Gulf Of Mexico; Result Of Leak From Venezuela
President Chavez of Venezuela, responding to the Chevron discovery of new oil reserves in the deep waters of the Gulf of Mexico, which more than double America’s known reserves, stated, “What do these gringos mean – new oil reserves? These oil reserves are the result of an oil leak from Venezuela.”
A reporter asked, “How have you been able to determine that, President Chavez?”
“No problem,” Chavez said, reaching into his pocket.
36). Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras
The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats.
37). Chinese Hope To Make British Car That Works
Remember the MG? Worse yet, did you ever own one? Then cower in fear. The Chinese bought the MG brand name and are about to open a plant to build the malfunctioning suckers in Oklahoma.
The Nanjing Automobile Group, which acquired bankrupt MG Rover Group last year, plans to be the first Chinese automaker to open a factory in the US. The product will be called the MG TF Coupe and will be out in 2008.
38). Clever Bil Clinton Gets $5 Million Advance For Book On His Charitable Work
Think whatever you might of William Jefferson Clinton, you have to give the ever-smiling overachiever credit.
He finds, in the lassitude of his post-Presidential years, a devoted and commendable calling to charity. And so canny is the man that he is able to extract a $5 million advance from Knopf to write a book about his benevolence.
While there have been many noble people who have given their lives to charitable acts, it is a rare person indeed who can find a way to make millions out of it.
39). Clever Monkey Of The Week: Tony Blair, for having an independent thought just in time to save face
There was Tony Blair, responding to George Bush’s down-home greeting, “Yo, Blair!” and engaging in what appeared to be a transparently deferential conversation about doings in the Middle East.
As all the world knows by now, the mike, unbeknownst to them, was still on. The London papers had a field day mocking what they were a bit overly eager to portray as Mr.
40). Clever Pluto Will Survive, It Seems, As A Planet
This week we nominate for clever monkey, not a person who has distinguished himself or herself for something well or ill accomplished, but Pluto, which, until recently, bestrode the heavens, securely placed in our imaginations as the most distant and smallest planet.
Then other bodies in the distant solar system were discovered, with our ever more deeply prying telescopes, that are even larger than the diminutive, ringed body.
41). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill.
He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
42). Condoms Block Virus Harmful To Women; Opponents Now Look Even Sillier
A study reported in The New England Journal of Medicine that the consistent use of condoms protects woman against human papillomavirus, which causes cervical and other female cancers, along with warts.
The study, which was conducted among eager students at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that women whose male partners used condoms every time had less than half the rate of infection as women whose partners used the prophylactics less than 5 percent of the time.
43). Consumer Prices Gas Up; Surprised, Wall Street Tanks
As the price of gasoline continued its flaming ascent and interest rates rose once again, the Fed announced that consumer prices were edging up. Surprised, Wall Street tanked.
An analyst for Bear Stearns explained, “Individual indicators don’t necessarily predict the overall trend. But, of course, if prices had gone down, that might have meant a slowdown in sales, which could also have sent stocks into the tank.
44). Correctness As An Improvement Over Freedom
Can the urge to be correct ever qualify as an improvement over freedom?
If you listen to the current rhetoric of advocacy that thunders about from the halls of the Capitol to interviews from even the most remote corridors of the nation, you would think it has become an American value of far more consequence than the mere idea of individual freedom.
45). Cruise Takes A Bruise
Viacom gave Tom Cruise the bruise of his career – or, more exactly, its cantankerous chairman, Sumner Redstone, did, for behavior unbecoming an employee of the entertainment giant, saying Cruise’s shenanigans are “not acceptable to Paramount.”
Redstone’s punch to the career launched an entire boxing match of bruising comments.
Mr. Cruise’s attorney shot back in un-lawyerly fashion, calling his comments “disgusting” and saying “he’s lost it completely or he’s been given breathtakingly bad advice.
46). Debate on Global Warming Reaches Hurricane Strength
As the hurricane season heats up, so has the debate about the extent to which the severity of recent hurricanes is due to to global warming.
Advocates howl that warmer ocean temperatures, which encourage the atmosphere to bestir itself, are due to an increase in heat-trapping greenhouse gases, while opponents bluster that the increase has not been proved to be due to human activity and may just be a seasonal variation.
47). Demagoguery For Dummies: How To Convince People You’re A Saint,Despite Explosive Evidence To The Contrary
How can a demagogue who boasts of kidnapping and killing and whose woeful misjudgment has reined down death and destruction on his own country be hailed as a saint? Is this demagoguery for dummies or what?
How can the Lebanese people, proud descendants of the Phoenicians – first to trade widely on the Mediterranean and resourceful developers of our Arabic numerals – be completely duped by this inept practitioner of argumentum ad populum.
48). Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR's Basement
The Democratic Party, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party.
Apparently, they have finally grown alert to the inadequate support provided by the random planking that has been delivered to them by various political strategists – usually, they now see, not deeply resonating and indubitably ethical ideas, but hardly more than sound bytes based on evanescent hot topics.
49). Depressed Rabbit Attempts Suicide
A male rabbit named Furball had lost all hope. The female rabbit he had lived with for an entire year had left him for another rabbit. The owner of the garden he usually dined at had just put a fence around it. A fox had nipped one of his ears. And, at his most depressed, it seemed to him that all life is mere ephemera in the eye of time.
The only thing to do was bring an end to his sorrow, hunger, pain, and inability to find meaning even in a moment.
50). Despite Video-Game Mania, Little League Baseball Still Hits It Off With Kids
Having conceded some time ago that the usual childhood in America is being despairingly twisted by the current popularity of moronically violent video games, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the nation’s young have not been entirely removed from what is generally considered a bedrock of normal American development: Little League Baseball.
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