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Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com Profile and Articles
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101). Ken Lay Times Heart Attack Just Right; Foils Government's Plan To Seize Assets
Just as Ken Lay was about to be sentenced to twenty-five years or so in the clinker and his remaining assets were about to be seized by the government, he had a fatal heart attack.
While we are saddened by the fatal vascular accident, we cannot but help notice that he couldn’t have timed it more deftly.
Now the government’s case will likely be dismissed, preserving his family and heirs from having the relatively few millions that remain in his once overstuffed treasure chest being subject to the long arm of the law.
102). Kofi Annan, The Middle East Repairman; Can His Handiwork Keep The Peace?
Secretary-General Kofi Annan sped to the Middle East with his UN emergency repair kit to do maintenance work on the quick fix the UN implemented between Israel and Hezbollah. Only trouble is, his traveling handiwork doesn’t seem as much like the permanent fix as all the world would like to count on. Even while he was cobbling the warring factions together, his work looked more like duct tape that could unravel as quick as a speeding bullet.
103). Luciano Pavarotti Loses Weight The Easy Way; He Had A Tumor Removed
A conspicuous aspect of Lucky Pavorotti’s extraondinary career as an astonishingly sweet- voiced opera singer has been his legendary but largely failed battle of bulges everywhere.
While he has had his weighty ups and downs, he has spent most of his career on the high up side – so much so that his knees have lately objected to supporting the rest of his gifted hulk.
104). Make War As Make Nice; Israel’s Commendable But Costly Military Tactic
Has a nation every conducted a war like the one Israel waged against Hezbollah? Instead of the usual “war is hell,” it was more like an attempt to conduct war as make nice.
Now that a cease fire is in place, fragile as it may be, let's review the tactic and how it weathered the war.
Did we hear announcements from Israel anywhere remotely near “We will destroy you to the last man”?
No, instead we heard niceties like:
"… terrorist elements .
105). Mammoths Prefer Blondes. Or Is It Brunettes?
Ever since childhood we have pictured mammoths as wooly dark presences, lumbering through eternities of driving snow with sullen intent, but once again the cherished iconography of our youth must give way to new research, which indicates, of all things, that mammoths may have stumbled along in a variety of hair colors – not only the traditionally imagined dark brown/black but also blonde and even red.
106). Mel Gibson Undergoes Rehab; Has Brain Removed
As you know, Mel Gibson pretty much crucified his career with the volley of imbecilic prejudices he let fly when he was arrested for driving under the influence of tequila.
As soon as he regained his sobriety, a repentant Mr. Gibson stated, "I've considered the idiotic things I said and realize my brain is hopeless. Not only has it prompted me to make moronically insensitive movies; now it has allowed me to say disgracefully stupid things.
107). Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border
Mexican immigrants, upon hearing of President Bush’s intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty.
While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, exclaimed, “The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico.
108). Mexico Solves Immigration Problem; Becomes Part Of China
In a startling announcement, President Vicente Fox of Mexico revealed that his nation has solved its immigration problem with the U. S. by requesting annexation as a province of China. As a result of its new status, a plentitude of domestic jobs will be available.
He made the surprise announcement, not during his recent visit to America, but immediately upon returning to Mexico.
109). Mickey Spillane Takes His Final Hammer Blow
Mickey Spillane, the gangsta writer and creator Mike Hammer, just took his own final Hammer blow.
He went from writing comic books to writing, as you know, the most popular detective novels of his day.
The thin thrillers were packed with macho bravado, fast fists, the direct sex championed by his indelicately named hero, Mike Hammer. Well, at least Mickey had the discretion to refrain from giving him the possible middle name of "Sledge.
110). Microsoft Postpones Plan To Introduce At Least One Original Idea
Imagine the complexities, not to mention the complexes, attendant to being the world’s largest software manufacturer when your principal original idea so far has been a cheaper price than Apple?
Microsoft may well qualify as the American company to achieve the most success without introducing to the needy world at least one original idea, unless, of course, a low-down price can be construed as such a welcome contribution.
111). Mike Wallace, The Clever Monkey of the Week, attempts to increase interest in an interview by calling the madman of Iran “impressive”
After what we are told was a long pursuit of the unfortunate interview, Mike Wallace was finally summoned to Tehran for a meeting with the resident madman, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Once there, he waited an impolite week for an audience with the blustery Mahmoud, The Magnificent.
We learn that Mike has been in pursuit of an interview with the culprit for so long that Ahmadinejad had to remind him when the impertinence began.
112). Monkeys Reveal Elemental Speech Patterns; Ask For Shave And A Haircut
Researchers, listening carefully to the speech patterns of monkeys, determined that the creatures were incensed that they had evolved with all of their hair still bristling out of them, and they demanded the immediate remedy of a shave and a haircut.
Their request for tonsorial attendance has been presented to barbers and hairstylists to determine the number of volunteers that might be found.
113). Mountain Lion Attacks Son. Dad Attacks Mountain Lion.
Sometimes, even a mountain lion has to watch who it bites.
Consider the case of the mountain lion, or cougar, who jumped out of the woods at a park in British Columbia and took a 4 ½ year old boy named Paul Krismer, Jr., by the head.
The boy's father, Paul Krismer, happened, luckily enough, to be nearby and turned just in time to see the cat do what comes naturally.
114). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom
Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions?
While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
115). Music Fans Extract Hits From Albums; Music Execs Demand Novocain
As music fans well know and widely resent, the music business has traditionally sold one or two songs per album that people actually want to listen to with a lot of other songs that, regardless of their merit, very few people have any interest in. The price was, however, right for the music biz.
Now, thanks to iTunes and other music-mongering download services, fans can cherry pick their favorite songs and leave the others tracks sitting silently online and, even more importantly, unpaid for.
116). Muslim Women Prepare Undercover Rebellion; Use Internet To Order Bikinis
Muslim women, condemned to wear, even when sandy temps soar, clothes that curiously resemble what nuns usually wore before they lightened up their outfits, are rumored to be preparing a rebellion that is scheduled for a date that is being kept under wraps until it breaks out, to the horror of Muslim men, in scant bikinis.
Order takers at online bikini retailers note an unprecedented surge in orders for the scanty attire from Muslim nations.
117). NetFlix Launches NetPlay; Delivers Live Cast Through Mail
Netflix, which until now has specialized in mailing DVD’s of movies to subscribers, has decided to broaden its offerings by launching a service called NetPlay, which will bring live theater to homes all across America. Since the heart and soul of theater is the excitement of a live performance, the service will ship a living, breathing cast to each home.
118). New Books About Science And Religion: Same Old Arguments, So Here’s A New One
Once in a while, there’s a proliferation of new books about the junction or disjunction of science and religion. Here are seven new ones by people with distinguished scientific credentials but constrained capacities in the philosophy of religion. So we’ve added an eighth which, to us, is the book the modern world needs to heal the rift and move on from imbecilic discussion to getting something important done, like saving life before we annihilate it.
119). New Cause of High Blood Pressure Revealed; Expecting Logical Behavior
A new study in The New England Journal Of Medicine reveals that one of the principal causes of high-blood pressure in the contemporary world is logical thinking.
A researcher commented on the surprise finding, saying, “Look it’s basically an illogical world out there. So the more you try to deal with it logically, the more upset you’re bound to become – and up shoots your blood pressure.
120). New Dracula Musical To Close, Except On Nights With Full Moon
Lestat, the new musical about vampires, if the mind can conceive of such an existent, having been sucked dry at the box office, is performing the most welcome service it has since its debut. It’s closing.
The notice did provide, however, for the show to remain open on nights that feature a full moon.
Marking the debut of Warner Brothers in the theater.
121). New Instance Of American Ingenuity; Nation Learns To Type
Who would have thought, just ten or so years ago, that people in all walks of life would have to learn how to type, somehow?
Now, who doesn’t? We see the nervous airline reservation agent, searching the keypad for the next peck, the thick-fingered plumber tapping out his invoices, the uncertain exec coming to terms with the need to enter a notation – all manner of people who never imagined, way back when, that they should have taken a typing course.
122). New Minicomputer Fits Under Graduation Ring
As computers grow ever more compact, a new breakthrough in miniaturization is hitting the shelves of computer stores that should have great appeal to graduates and their elated parents.
It’s a computer that’s so small it snaps under the stone of a typical graduation ring. So when purchasers need to go online or create a quick document, all they need do is slip off their graduation rings, snap off the computer, and get to work.
123). New Reality Show Debuts, Called New Orleans, Sink Or Swim
As if Katrina wasn’t a bad enough blow for New Orleans, geologists now inform us that, due to more exact measurements via satellite, they have been able to determine that the down but not out metropolis is sinking faster than previously thought – instead of about a fifth of an inch a year, about an inch, which is, of course, about a foot every dozen years.
124). New U. S. Military Tactic To Quell Unrest In Iraq; Will Drop IQ Test On Insurgents
The U. S., continuing to be troubled by the insurgency in Iraq, has decided to quell it by giving the insurgents an IQ test. The plan is to drop it from the sky as a leaflet. Meeting NewsLaugh's request with its usual candor, the military has given us an advance copy of the test, along with permission to publish four questions before the date of the drop.
125). New Work List For The Human Race; Given Our Current Work Habits, We Sure Could Use One
Wouldn’t it be revelatory if a helpful hand would came out of the clouds and give the human race a new work list? Given our present doings, we sure could use one.
But, since the hand does not seem to be forthcoming, we decided to take the hint and do our best to help develop one. To get the new work list started, we present the following recap of our current work list and then our suggestions for inclusion in a new work list.
126). NewsLaugh's Clever Monkey of the Week: King Abdullah -- For OK, If Obvious, Talk In A NO-K Time
We were in a downcast mood, seemingly without any hope of hearing from an enlightened person in the Middle East, when suddenly there was the level-headed man from Jordan, King Abdullah, speaking, in a Time interview, about what needs to get done in his region so the nations over there can finally start to have some fun.
Early on, he admitted the infinitely understandable, "I'm one of the most optimistic people you'll come across.
127). Nominee Insists CIA Must Get Out Of The News: No Secret Agents Left
Four-Star General Michael Hayen, in confirmation hearings before the Senate, insisted that it’s time for the CIA “to get out of the news.” He went on to explain, “We’re supposed to be a secret outfit but between illegal disclosures of our members, hearings about how we’re handling things, and nominations, we don’t have any secret agents left.”
In response.
128). Nuclear Panhandling; North Korea And Iran Seek To Trade Threats Of Oblivion For Alms
Remember nuclear blackmail? Apparently, North Korea and Iran have refined the practice into outright panhandling. Let’s indulge, with a not entirely charitable examination, this new and nettlesome version of “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”
Standing on the most conspicuous street corners the two beggarly brats can manage in our minds, they proffer their illicit cups in quest of alms, while they wiggle their nascent nuclear capabilities at our noses.
129). Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable.
130). Oil Update From BP: A Bear Ate The Pipeline
Earlier reports that BP closed its Alaska pipeline due to corrosion have turned out to be erroneous. The company, noticing growing rancor that it would allow such a vital link to corrode to the point of desuetude, altered its story, saying that subsequent examination revealed that the leaks were due to a grizzly bear that ate the pipeline.
While BP.
131). OK, The House Is On Fire. Which One Do You Save First -- The Baby, The Old Testament, The New Testament, Or The Koran?
Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny.
Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision.
Let’s say you pick one of the books. What will the people, who happen to.
132). Old Man Potomac, He Just Keeps Rollin’ Along
Some days when we contemplate the divisive and deluded doings in DC, it helps to look away from the grandiose and revered buildings that have hosted our government since it was moved there from Philadelphia in 1800 and to contemplate the broad, green, and ever forward pushing Potomac, the generally placid river that just keeps rollin' through it.
Here.
133). Palestinian Leadership Saved By Suitcase Loaded With Cash
The Palestinian leadership, experiencing an ongoing cash crunch because the civilized world refuses to support its unachievable vow to destroy Israel, suffered the indignity of being assaulted by its own unpaid workers, who shouted “We are hungry!”
But, just in the nickel of time, the Palestinian Foreign Minister managed to smuggle a suitcase loaded with $20 million in cash into Gaza.
134). Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind
In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, “God has told me something else, and it’s something I didn’t want to hear. He said, ‘Pat, you lost your mind.’
“Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
135). PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous
As if it wasn’t enough that PBS, the bastion of culture at the broadcast level, fired the host of the toddlertainment, ‘The Good Night Show.’ Reason given: The sweet thing, by the name of Melanie Martinez, who is beloved by moms and kids alike, appeared in her ancient history as an actress in two videos spoofing public service announcements that advocate teenage sexual abstinence.
136). Peace-Loving Muslim Located; Expresses Normal Human Concerns
Noting the way violent and irrational Muslims have dominated the news, while the Muslim masses and, most inexcusably, Muslim clerics have in general remained reticent about the scandalously murderous terrorist talk and the mayhem the lunatics advocate, we decided there must be, among the world’s billion or so Muslims, any number of normal, peace-loving and, on a wild bet, perhaps even modern-minded, acolytes.
137). Pirates of the Caribbean Sails Into Theaters; Fans Hail Relevance To Modern Life
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, sailed into theaters in search of box-office treasure with skull and crossbones flying as the second episode in what will be three or more installments of this forthrightly commercial tale of a pirate king and a pirate chaser.
And, in W. S. Gilbert’s gleeful couplet, for Johnny Depp apparently “It is, it is a jolly good thing to be a pirate king.
138). Playwrights Give Critic Bad Review
Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting?
A long-time critic for The Chicago Sun-Times reviewed some musicals that were works in progress at Theater Building Chicago, a venue that has been attempting to nourish the struggling art form for many years.
139). Please, Don't Make Me Take A Vacation
"I never go on vacation," said a Manhattan real estate agent. "And when I do, I have my computer, my Palm, my e-mail and my cell phone with me at all times."
It seems that our tech toys have become the adult equivalent of an umbilical cord. So how can we live without them?
And what about now, when, as a good citizen, who also doesn't want to get arrested, you at least have to endure your plane trip without their nourishment and comfort? Let's do a checklist of tech tonics that can cause us to experience separation anxiety.
140). Polygamists March; Demand Volume Discount On Marriage Licenses
Polygamists, under attack even in the generally tolerant and Mormon-populous state of Utah, marched on Washington, demanding what they regard as their right to a volume discount in the purchase of marriage licenses.
The demonstration was incited when a breakaway member of the Mormon Church, who is accused of seducing a minor female and matchmaking other minors females to older men, was buying so many marriage licenses that he had to rob a bank to pay for them.
141). Preventive Use Of Antipsychotic Drugs Weighed; Cite World Leaders
Psychiatry, which has evolved from advocating cathartic conversations to prescribing antipsychotic drugs, is now weighing prescribing the mental salves as a preventive measure, that is, before people actually become psychotic. To give credence to the possible benefits of such prodromal therapy, psychiatrists who advocate the prophylactic procedure point to the behavior of many world leaders, past and present.
142). Prime Minister Of Iraq Visits Washington; Promises To Buy New Shaver
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki made his first visit to Washington, where he met with President Bush, who noted that, despite the Prime Minister’s efforts to shave every day, he has a persistently dark and generally unelectable stubble.
Mr. Maliki admitted the difficulty and agreed that he would make every effort to buy a new shaver.
In a later.
143). Radical Muslims Run Afoul Of Kant’s Categorical Imperative
As if the Muslim religion didn’t have enough problems in the often less than mutually tolerant text of the Koran, now its radical exponents have run afoul of Kant’s ever-present Categorical Imperative.
How?
As Muslim murders Muslim, the warring Sunnis and Shiites each maintain that their religion lends support to their bloody sectarianism. To the.
144). Relaxed And Happy American Located; Agrees To Brief Interview
Despite the troubling news that assails us each day and seems bent on convincing us we should all be the tense and unhappy recipients of the worldwide outrages it forwards, we remained confident that maybe somewhere there is still at least one American who is relaxed and happy.
Intent on locating the indomitable soul, should there still be one, we.
145). Robots Getting Smarter; Plan To Enter Politics
Robotic IQ is apparently on the up tick.
Now, we read, the accomplished mechanical wonders can drive, as long there’s not too much to steer around, be watchful lifeguards, and mimic human behavior in video games. And how far a leap is it from video games to political shenanigans?
So any number of the brainy bots have been discussing how they might enter what is, legendarily, one of the world’s least demanding occupations in terms of intellect: politics.
146). Rumsfeld No Media Maven; Admits Terrorists Better At Manipulating The News
My, my, in what nation does Donald Rumsfelf reside? Here he is, a privileged citizen in the land that created modern mass persuasion, aka advertising, bemoaning that terrorists are more adept at “manipulating the media” to influence Americans and other Westerners than the Pentagon, and he went on to confide, “That’s the thing that keeps me up at night….
147). Saddam Hussein Accused Of Crimes Against Ties
Saddam Hussein, now formally charged with crimes against humanity, is now faced with charges by irate tie makers.
“This man is guilty of killing the tie business,” a representative of the plaintiffs stated immediately after his arrival from New York’s garment district. “And the evidence is right before your eyes. Every day he shows up in court wearing a white shirt without a tie.
148). Saddam Hussein’s Defense Attorneys Admit Genocide But Insist It’s OK
In the trial of Saddam Hussein for genocide, he and his lawyers apparently decided that playing dumb and asking, “What 180,000 Kurds?” would unlikely prove to be a credible defense. So they cleverly decided to admit to the dastardly act of genocide through chemistry, while maintaining that it’s OK.
One witness, after describing the blindness the chemical weapons caused, said, “May God blind them all.
149). Scientists Discover Gene That Controls Stupidity
In a breakthrough of enormous consequence for the general conduct and happiness of the human race, scientists at Johns Hopkins have announced that they have identified the gene that leads many a bright high-school and college student to become, as adults, inexplicably stupid.
“This is the gene all right,” one of the researchers commented. ‘You take.
150). Senate Offers Outlet For Bipartisan Feuding: Will Install Boxing Ring
The Senate, recently more rancorous than usual in terms of bipartisan backbiting, decided to offer an outlet for the aggressive behavior by voting to install a boxing ring. In an effort to allow for the widespread lack of physical conditioning, all fights will be limited to one round.
The first fight scheduled is between the outspoken liberal Democrat from Massachusetts, Senator Edward Kennedy, and the feisty Republican who hails from the state of Tennessee, Bill Frist.
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