Comedy Articles

1). 100 Pounds Of Marijuana Found At Home Depot: Sold As Grass Seed By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana. Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.
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2). The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida.
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3). Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Ken Lay, the famously charming Texan from dirt-poor beginnings, who rose to be the toast of Houston before Enron, the company he founded, became toast, finally took the stand this week and, as expected, performed in his winning manner. He based his defense for the debacle that occurred under his chairmanship on a poem that he maintains has shaped his behavior since his mother first read it to him when he was just wee high to an oil pump.
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4). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
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5). Just Say No To Sex By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.) "They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
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6). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate. In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
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7). Good Behavior Works: Ozone Hole Gets Smaller By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Hey, good news! The ozone layer, which was getting thinner back in 1980, may be back, thick as ever, by the middle of the century, if we should live so long. So get this: we’re not irretrievably doomed to annihilate ourselves. We can earn a reprieve through good behavior. At least, that’s what climate scientists claim. Apparently, the protective layer.
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8). PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As if it wasn’t enough that PBS, the bastion of culture at the broadcast level, fired the host of the toddlertainment, ‘The Good Night Show.’ Reason given: The sweet thing, by the name of Melanie Martinez, who is beloved by moms and kids alike, appeared in her ancient history as an actress in two videos spoofing public service announcements that advocate teenage sexual abstinence.
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9). Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Metropolitan Museum of Art, having recently agreed to return one of the finest vases in its collection from the Classical Age of Ancient Greece, has also consented to return the collected toilet seats from the ancient Cretan port city of Ephesus. The decision has come as a welcome relief to the Greek tourist board, whose embarrassed guides annually answer the same question that tourists ask approximately a thousand times a day.
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10). Tom Cruise Renounces Scientology; Becomes Muslim Fundamentalist By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Tom Cruise, the biggest male box-office attraction in American cinema, that is, until he recently displayed a variety of astonishingly off-putting antics, has now taken another dramatic step in his imaginative quest to end his career, which was largely based on his once seemingly cute and innocent appeal. Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
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11). The Topless CPA By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Todd, out of town on business and looking for a bit of comfort, knew he was in trouble when the topless dancer he just couldn’t say no to slipped his next twenty into her silver garter, and, with a twinkle in her green eyes, asked, “Would you like to go to the champagne room? It’s more private in there.” Although this was Todd’s first visit to this.
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12). Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert To Islam By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary.
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13). Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
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14). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill. He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
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15). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money. To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates. The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal. One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
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16). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions? While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
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17). John Updike Pens Novel, Called “Terrorist.” Critics Laud Originality By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Adding another semiprecious stone to his distinguished crown as a royal purveyor of uneasy fictions, John Updike is touting the publication of his new novel, titled “Terrorist.” Since you may be uncertain about the subject of the book, it’s about a young terrorist in, of all places, America. In case you’re intrigued about whether Mr. Updike finds something sympathetic in his portrait of the terrorist, he certainly does.
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18). Bigamist Begs For Life Imprisonment;Seeks Escape From 40 Wives By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As you have no doubt read, the country’s leading bigamist – distinguished title, eh? – was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBI’s list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than themselves. The much marrying minister, Warren Steed Jeffs, is the proud leader of a throwback known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
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19). Bin Laden’s Garden Of Earthly Frights By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out? Why, what else? He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables can’t reveal his whereabouts. They’re also unlikely to be covert members of the CIA. And so we join Osama Bin Laden, as he tends the little plot of earth he can call his own, at least, until he is sent off to an unexpectedly sudden meeting with his Allah.
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20). The Blonde Joke's On Us: The Dumbest Woman On Earth Was Not A Blonde By : Dianne James
I've lived my entire adult life with "dumb blonde" jokes. Whoever started them, probably spawned by pornographers allured by Marylyn Monroe types (probably with dyed hair), should be locked up in a room with a hundred blonde professional women on a month-long sabbatical from bad bosses. Think he'd make it out alive? I think he (or she) definitely be a changed creature after that month.
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21). Clutterbugs By : Dianne James
"This house is so cluttered I can't find anything," said my husband. I looked around, and realized that most of the clutter was his, on that particular day, anyway. He seemed to be oblivious to that fact. He's not only a closet packrat, he builds guitars. He rebuilds guitars- guitars that don't quite meet his specifications when he buys them. Our living room is a guitar parts morgue.
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22). US Missile Defense Intercepts Seagull; Cheney Present As Backup By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Defense Department announced that our ever-vigilant military managed to intercept and shoot down a seagull over the Pacific. To assure a successful outcome, Dick Cheney was invited to observe the launch of the interceptor missile, as long as he brought along his quail gun to act as a backup to the missile. The seagull reportedly crashed into the sea, and there are so far no reports from whales or other sea creatures of the shredded bird or debris from the intercepting missile crashing onto their unsuspecting backs.
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23). Iran Accepts European Nuke Deal: Includes Instructions On How To Make An A-Bomb By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
European nations negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program initially offered the upstart threat a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming petulant, calling the offer a "colonial" insult and demanding to know if we think he’s “a child.” Determined to reach an agreement in a way that would avoid the.
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24). What? An Iranian With A Good Thought In His Cranium? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What do you know? There’s at least one Iranian who still has a good thought in his cranium? It appears that Mohmmad Khatami, the mullahland’s former Pres is just such a resilient and commendable gentleman. During his two-week trip to the USA – interestingly, the mullahs behind the rascally current President allowed his visit and, not only that, our security personnel let him in – he wisely acknowledged, “In the crime of 9/11, two crimes were committed.
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25). A Revised History Of Pasta By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While Marco Polo, a Venetian, is generally given credit for discovering noodles in China, recent research suggests that Italian pasta in all its glorious varieties was actually discovered in Rome nearly a century earlier, and quite by accident, by a remarkably unlikely epicurean named Julius Amplonius, with the able assistance of an invading barbarian named Klunk, The Great.
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