Humor Magazine Articles

1). The Clever Florida Manitee Plays Dumb While Being As Smart Or Smarter Than Dolphins By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Florida manatee has fooled us all for ages. We thought it was as slow to cogitate as its “sweet potato” body is to move. Never did the clever "sea cow" let on that it’s actually as brainy as, or perhaps even brainier than, a somersaulting dolphin. But now its lethargic disguise has been penetrated, thanks to the researches of a neuroscientist at the University of Florida.
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2). Good Behavior Works: Ozone Hole Gets Smaller By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Hey, good news! The ozone layer, which was getting thinner back in 1980, may be back, thick as ever, by the middle of the century, if we should live so long. So get this: we’re not irretrievably doomed to annihilate ourselves. We can earn a reprieve through good behavior. At least, that’s what climate scientists claim. Apparently, the protective layer.
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3). Western Leaders Release Video; Urge Muslims To Convert To Islam By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The leaders of six Western nations whose inhabitants have, at least in the distant past, experienced the redemptive insights of the Enlightenment, with its insistence that reason should play a foundational role in human thought and that an idea like Condorcet’s “perpetual peace and progress” might be more than a pleasant alliteration, finally grew weary.
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4). Bigamist Begs For Life Imprisonment;Seeks Escape From 40 Wives By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As you have no doubt read, the country’s leading bigamist – distinguished title, eh? – was arrested in Las Vegas during a routine traffic stop. He had made it to the number one spot on the FBI’s list of top ten hits for marrying underage women to devout gentleman significantly older than themselves. The much marrying minister, Warren Steed Jeffs, is the proud leader of a throwback known as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
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5). Bin Laden’s Garden Of Earthly Frights By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What does a resourceful malefactor do when nearly all of the world is searching for him and he has nothing more urgent to do than hide out? Why, what else? He takes up gardening. At least, plants and vegetables can’t reveal his whereabouts. They’re also unlikely to be covert members of the CIA. And so we join Osama Bin Laden, as he tends the little plot of earth he can call his own, at least, until he is sent off to an unexpectedly sudden meeting with his Allah.
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6). US Missile Defense Intercepts Seagull; Cheney Present As Backup By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Defense Department announced that our ever-vigilant military managed to intercept and shoot down a seagull over the Pacific. To assure a successful outcome, Dick Cheney was invited to observe the launch of the interceptor missile, as long as he brought along his quail gun to act as a backup to the missile. The seagull reportedly crashed into the sea, and there are so far no reports from whales or other sea creatures of the shredded bird or debris from the intercepting missile crashing onto their unsuspecting backs.
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7). What? An Iranian With A Good Thought In His Cranium? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
What do you know? There’s at least one Iranian who still has a good thought in his cranium? It appears that Mohmmad Khatami, the mullahland’s former Pres is just such a resilient and commendable gentleman. During his two-week trip to the USA – interestingly, the mullahs behind the rascally current President allowed his visit and, not only that, our security personnel let him in – he wisely acknowledged, “In the crime of 9/11, two crimes were committed.
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8). Playwrights Give Critic Bad Review By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Members of The Dramatists Guild of America, the organization of playwrights, of which I have been an active member for many years, was in an unusually feisty mood in a review they let howl at a theater critic in the Windy City. What was the occasion of the lambasting? A long-time critic for The Chicago Sun-Times reviewed some musicals that were works in progress at Theater Building Chicago, a venue that has been attempting to nourish the struggling art form for many years.
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9). Chicago Criminalizes Foie Gras By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Chicago City Council has voted to criminalize foie gras. An alderman who is a member of the questionable culinary group maintains that the delicious delicacy represents a case of cruelty to animals, since the geese and ducks that produce it are force fed through tubes placed in their throats. He neglected to add, or is unaware of, the fact that mother geese and ducks feed their children buy sticking their beaks into their throats.
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10). England Contemplates Drunk's Dilemma: To Stand Or Not To Stand? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
England's tipple-till-you-topple pub culture faced a new dilemma, as police in Preston, Lancashire, decided that frequenters of the brew houses should sit down while they intoxicate themselves. Why? After careful measurements, the authorities have determined that mates who are standing have a longer way to drop. So they're more likely to hurt themselves.
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11). Kofi Annan, The Middle East Repairman; Can His Handiwork Keep The Peace? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Secretary-General Kofi Annan sped to the Middle East with his UN emergency repair kit to do maintenance work on the quick fix the UN implemented between Israel and Hezbollah. Only trouble is, his traveling handiwork doesn’t seem as much like the permanent fix as all the world would like to count on. Even while he was cobbling the warring factions together, his work looked more like duct tape that could unravel as quick as a speeding bullet.
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12). Toyoto Introduces The Toy: The First Pedal Car For Adults By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
In an effort to rescue drivers from the high cost of gasoline, Toyota has announced the introduction of the Toy, the first car for grownups that is operated like a child’s pedal car. Its main benefit is, of course, that it requires no gas. There is, however, a limit as to how far the vehicle can travel on one adult’s leg power. The resourceful auto giant maintains that the encumbrance is not a drawback at all, because adults can change places at the wheel.
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13). Rumsfeld No Media Maven; Admits Terrorists Better At Manipulating The News By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
My, my, in what nation does Donald Rumsfelf reside? Here he is, a privileged citizen in the land that created modern mass persuasion, aka advertising, bemoaning that terrorists are more adept at “manipulating the media” to influence Americans and other Westerners than the Pentagon, and he went on to confide, “That’s the thing that keeps me up at night….
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14). Tony Blair To Resign As British PM; May Run For US Vice President By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Tony Blair announced that he will step down as Prime Minister of England within a year and give up leadership of the Labor Party, which has been increasingly upset with his performance and approval ratings. What Mr. Blair did not announce is that he is just plain fed up with not being properly appreciated by his own party and nation, and he has conducted a secret poll of his popularity in the US.
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15). About Time: Somali Woman Flogs Islamic Leader By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
An Islamic woman in Mogadishu finally did it: she inflicted eleven lashes on an Islamic leader for threatening to flog her for selling cannabis. To justify the intended flogging of the woman before she turned on the male who had ordered it, the rulers pointed to a passage in the Koran that forbids the sale of all drugs except aspirin and antacids. He.
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16). Cruise Takes A Bruise By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Viacom gave Tom Cruise the bruise of his career – or, more exactly, its cantankerous chairman, Sumner Redstone, did, for behavior unbecoming an employee of the entertainment giant, saying Cruise’s shenanigans are “not acceptable to Paramount.” Redstone’s punch to the career launched an entire boxing match of bruising comments. Mr. Cruise’s attorney shot back in un-lawyerly fashion, calling his comments “disgusting” and saying “he’s lost it completely or he’s been given breathtakingly bad advice.
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17). Mountain Lion Attacks Son. Dad Attacks Mountain Lion. By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Sometimes, even a mountain lion has to watch who it bites. Consider the case of the mountain lion, or cougar, who jumped out of the woods at a park in British Columbia and took a 4 ½ year old boy named Paul Krismer, Jr., by the head. The boy's father, Paul Krismer, happened, luckily enough, to be nearby and turned just in time to see the cat do what comes naturally.
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18). New Work List For The Human Race; Given Our Current Work Habits, We Sure Could Use One By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Wouldn’t it be revelatory if a helpful hand would came out of the clouds and give the human race a new work list? Given our present doings, we sure could use one. But, since the hand does not seem to be forthcoming, we decided to take the hint and do our best to help develop one. To get the new work list started, we present the following recap of our current work list and then our suggestions for inclusion in a new work list.
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19). Hezbollah And Hamas Regret Self-Destructive Behavior; Plan To Build Own Wailing Wall By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Leading deadly duffers of Hezbollah and Hamas have finally surveyed the damage that their misjudgment has inflicted on their own people, perhaps partly out of fear that these long-suffering victims might decide to terrorize them. As a result of the self-imposed reality therapy, leaders of both organizations have expressed their regrets. In fact, all the better to wail, they have vowed to build their own Wailing Wall.
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20). NewsLaugh's Clever Monkey of the Week: King Abdullah -- For OK, If Obvious, Talk In A NO-K Time By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We were in a downcast mood, seemingly without any hope of hearing from an enlightened person in the Middle East, when suddenly there was the level-headed man from Jordan, King Abdullah, speaking, in a Time interview, about what needs to get done in his region so the nations over there can finally start to have some fun. Early on, he admitted the infinitely understandable, "I'm one of the most optimistic people you'll come across.
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21). George Bush Finally Discovers Foreign Intrigue By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Can you believe it? George Bush, the foursquare flatfoot of diplomatic dexterity, has finally discovered the nimble art of foreign intrigue. While European nations were eager to establish a cease fire in Lebanon and seemed forthright about sending troops to enforce it, no sooner did the shooting dwindle to an occasional fatality than France, which was expected to send thousands of troops, offered a measly 200.
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22). Chavez On US Oil Find In Gulf Of Mexico; Result Of Leak From Venezuela By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
President Chavez of Venezuela, responding to the Chevron discovery of new oil reserves in the deep waters of the Gulf of Mexico, which more than double America’s known reserves, stated, “What do these gringos mean – new oil reserves? These oil reserves are the result of an oil leak from Venezuela.” A reporter asked, “How have you been able to determine that, President Chavez?” “No problem,” Chavez said, reaching into his pocket.
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23). Scientists Discover Gene That Controls Stupidity By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
In a breakthrough of enormous consequence for the general conduct and happiness of the human race, scientists at Johns Hopkins have announced that they have identified the gene that leads many a bright high-school and college student to become, as adults, inexplicably stupid. “This is the gene all right,” one of the researchers commented. ‘You take.
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24). OK, The House Is On Fire. Which One Do You Save First -- The Baby, The Old Testament, The New Testament, Or The Koran? By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Do you save one of the books of holy writ or the helpless babe? Be fair. You can only save one. No time for two. The flames are at your fanny. Yes, there's some chance you can go back for a second rescue attempt, but right now the hope is too risky to influence your decision. Let’s say you pick one of the books. What will the people, who happen to.
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25). Iran Provides “Multifaceted Response” To UN: Launches Ten Missiles By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Iran provided its long-promised “multi-faceted” response to the proposal by Western nations that the mullahdom stop enriching uranium. A day or so before it presented its written response, the obstreperous nation conducted war games during which ten highly photographed missiles were fired in a generally westerly direction. Of course, the West had hoped.
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