Skit Articles

1). 100 Pounds Of Marijuana Found At Home Depot: Sold As Grass Seed By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
An unsuspecting contractor drove to his nearby Home Depot to buy a vanity. When he opened it, besides the usual shelves, he discovered two 50-lb bricks of marijuana. Police were summoned and invited to the garden shop, where they were told the marijuana was being sold as a new kind of grass seed that offered entertaining prospects for homeowners and landscapers.
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2). Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
We are often reminded that the sun will only shine in a way that can support life way out here on the earth for only about another five billion years. Sensing the eventuality of the cataclysm, we’re easily inclined to express our concern, along with our sympathetic distress for those far-off folks who will be standing on the earth when old Father Sol begins to turn down the heat.
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3). Just Say No To Sex By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the second installment; previous ones are included on this site, in case you miss one.) "They all seem impressively genuine in their intentions," Dr. Coburn replied. "As young people are prone to do, they actually want to do their part to help save the world – and now they see a practical way to proceed.
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4). Bill Clinton In Secret Talks With Hillary; Agrees To Run For Vice President By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Former President Bill Clinton has been holding secret talks with his wife and wannabe President Hillary and has, the rumor mill informs us, agreed to be her Vice Presidential candidate. In an exclusive interview, he confided, “Even though I want to help Hillary in every way I can, it wasn't an easy decision. After all, if you remember, I was the President.
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5). PBS Fires Cinderella; Calls Display Of Bare Foot Scandalous By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
As if it wasn’t enough that PBS, the bastion of culture at the broadcast level, fired the host of the toddlertainment, ‘The Good Night Show.’ Reason given: The sweet thing, by the name of Melanie Martinez, who is beloved by moms and kids alike, appeared in her ancient history as an actress in two videos spoofing public service announcements that advocate teenage sexual abstinence.
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6). Tom Cruise Renounces Scientology; Becomes Muslim Fundamentalist By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Tom Cruise, the biggest male box-office attraction in American cinema, that is, until he recently displayed a variety of astonishingly off-putting antics, has now taken another dramatic step in his imaginative quest to end his career, which was largely based on his once seemingly cute and innocent appeal. Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
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7). The Topless CPA By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Todd, out of town on business and looking for a bit of comfort, knew he was in trouble when the topless dancer he just couldn’t say no to slipped his next twenty into her silver garter, and, with a twinkle in her green eyes, asked, “Would you like to go to the champagne room? It’s more private in there.” Although this was Todd’s first visit to this.
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8). Dick Cheney Enrolls At Dale Carnegie; Updates Curriculum By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Vice President Cheney, upon his return from a visit to former Soviet Bloc nations, during which he criticized Russian President Putin in unusually direct, if correct, terms, found himself suffering from shortness of breath. Hesitant about consulting a doctor immediately, he performed a self-diagnosis and realized that his condition was due primarily to putting his foot in his mouth with alarming frequency.
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9). Come Out With Your Checkbook Open By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Joey, daring the spotlights that were scanning the warehouse in which he was holed up, took a quick look out the window at the crowd below, and shouted, “Never, you dirty, rotten bill collectors!” Then he ducked back to the haven beneath the sill. He recently got more into debt than usual – in fact, he found himself surrounded by it – and he was having a restless dream about the multitude of bill collectors who were haunting his mind.
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10). Hockey Summer Season; Will Be Played On Roller Skates By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Professional hockey associations, long mournful of the unfortunately seasonal nature of their game, have decided to give the boys of summer a run for their money. To effect the balmy transformation, the teams will transform their footwear from ice skates to roller skates. The players are not entirely comfortable with the proposal. One star expressed concern, saying, “I’m really good on ice skates, but I never even put on a pair of roller skates.
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11). Movie Stars As Sources Of Wisdom By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Why do many people look to movie stars for answers to some of life's most challenging questions? While we have great respect for the art of acting, as explicated from Stanislavsky to Strasberg, the latter of whom we knew well and were fond of, we have never understood how the usual snippets who decide to become actors ascend in the minds of the public.
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12). John Updike Pens Novel, Called “Terrorist.” Critics Laud Originality By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Adding another semiprecious stone to his distinguished crown as a royal purveyor of uneasy fictions, John Updike is touting the publication of his new novel, titled “Terrorist.” Since you may be uncertain about the subject of the book, it’s about a young terrorist in, of all places, America. In case you’re intrigued about whether Mr. Updike finds something sympathetic in his portrait of the terrorist, he certainly does.
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13). Iran Accepts European Nuke Deal: Includes Instructions On How To Make An A-Bomb By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
European nations negotiating with Iran over its nuclear program initially offered the upstart threat a free light-water nuclear reactor. The President of Iran, however, responded by becoming petulant, calling the offer a "colonial" insult and demanding to know if we think he’s “a child.” Determined to reach an agreement in a way that would avoid the.
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14). Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A trendy new nightclub that caters to baby boomers who find themselves unexpectedly single was raided by police last night. Acting on a tip from a twenty-something couple who entered the hotspot by accident, police were able to determine that many of the partying patrons were dropping antacid. The owner, who was taken away in cuffs, claimed, “I had no idea some of the customers were dropping that stuff.
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15). Democrats Search For Platform; Find It In FDR's Basement By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Democratic Party, sensing electoral weakness in the war-ravaged Republican Party, began an intensive search for a platform that might lead to a rejuvenation of their own habitually unfocused and widely unattractive party. Apparently, they have finally grown alert to the inadequate support provided by the random planking that has been delivered to them by various political strategists – usually, they now see, not deeply resonating and indubitably ethical ideas, but hardly more than sound bytes based on evanescent hot topics.
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16). Oil Exploration Update: U. S. To Play Catch-Up With Cuba By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Startlingly enough, it looks as if the time will soon arrive when the USA will have to play catch-up with Cuba in oil exploration. The diminutive and destitute communist enclave that serves as Fidel Castro’s personal cigar plantation now realizes that it has enough oil reserves under its coastal waters to prop up its no-go economy for decades and, incapable.
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17). Mexican Immigrants Flock To National Guard; Hope To Patrol Border By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Mexican immigrants, upon hearing of President Bush’s intention to send the National Guard to patrol our borders with Mexico, flocked to Guard headquarters across the nation to sign up for duty. While waiting in line, an applicant, Carlos Amigos, exclaimed, “The President has given us a truly wonderful opportunity to help our families and friends in Mexico.
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18). Despite Hurricane Season, Weather Still Better Than On Moon By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
While last year’s hurricane season made people who reverberate with manifestations of climate change shake their heads at the thunderous weather, we must admit that, despite its destructive force, the weather remained significantly better than that to be found on our placidly windless neighbor, the moon. Actually, having ascertained better weather than on that silvery disk, we wonder where else in the slightly traveled solar system we might find weather more clement.
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19). The Da Vinci Code; This Year's Biblical Box-Office Bonanza By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
The Da Vinci Code is now off and running as this year’s megabuck Biblical controversy. Question is, why do we seem to be afflicted with such a nearly annual entity? Slight thought reveals the obvious. Given the big numbers that a major studio has to turn to make a return on a movie, it’s hardly a wonder that they keep turning to what they, in their needy bottom lines, consider the biggest subjects available.
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20). Humanist Terrorists Nabbed In Miami; Planned To Plant Explosive Books By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
A group that calls itself humanist terrorists was apprehended by the FBI in a preemptive strike in Miami. The terrorist cell, which claims affiliation with the Middle Atlantic terror group all-Libraries, was infiltrated by an FBI operative. The leader of the group confided to the informant that the members planned to plant explosive books in various locations throughout the United States, including the Sears Tower, a number of FBI buildings, and radical Muslim mosques.
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21). Muslim Women Prepare Undercover Rebellion; Use Internet To Order Bikinis By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Muslim women, condemned to wear, even when sandy temps soar, clothes that curiously resemble what nuns usually wore before they lightened up their outfits, are rumored to be preparing a rebellion that is scheduled for a date that is being kept under wraps until it breaks out, to the horror of Muslim men, in scant bikinis. Order takers at online bikini retailers note an unprecedented surge in orders for the scanty attire from Muslim nations.
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22). Prime Minister Of Iraq Visits Washington; Promises To Buy New Shaver By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki made his first visit to Washington, where he met with President Bush, who noted that, despite the Prime Minister’s efforts to shave every day, he has a persistently dark and generally unelectable stubble. Mr. Maliki admitted the difficulty and agreed that he would make every effort to buy a new shaver. In a later.
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23). Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Hispanic immigrants demonstrated by the thousands about what they claim is their right to become citizens of the land of the gringo. While we welcome the effort of everyone who wishes to become a citizen of our free and frazzled nation, we did note that there appeared to be no distinction made between immigrants who reside here in placid legality and those who do so with anxious illegality.
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24). Pat Robertson Confesses! God Upset With Him; Tells Him He Lost His Mind By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
In the wake of having reported that God told him Tsunami-like storms were likely to hit the U. S. coasts this year, Pat Robertson appeared on his TV program visibly shaken, and announced, “God has told me something else, and it’s something I didn’t want to hear. He said, ‘Pat, you lost your mind.’ “Naturally, I was surprised and asked why he would ever think such a thing of me.
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25). Bush And Blair Admit Mistakes In Iraq; Vow To Continue By : Tom Attea/NewsLaugh.com
Meeting in Washington, Prime Minister Tony Blair and President Bush took to the podium to admit that everything in Iraq has not unfolded as they had hoped but the President insisted, “We've learned from our mistakes, and, if the past is any indication, we will continue to make them." Prime Minister Blair added, “And you can be absolutely certain that we will continue to learn from them.
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